don't postpone joy

2 yellow and black butterflies

2010-06-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

What's the title of this entry? I already have the title of my book. What's the title of
MY story. I'll figure it out as I go, I suppose. I always do.
right this very minute, I'm sweating. I am dog sitting, so I'm not at home (where I usually keep it this hot) I didn't realize other people don't use A/C in 100 degree heat. I'm excited, though, because tomorrow I will float around in the puppy's owner's pool. in my undies. or not. bathing suits are stupid anyway. ( I say that because I don't feel like Miss America squished in spandex, sucking it in, trying not to get tan lines) and I am fried. exhausted. spent. whooped. plain ole give out. not complaining, but really not inspiring, I know. As you know, I quit my job. Just because I can. and because it didn't light me up in the morning. I have been an inspiration to some, and to others just the same old crazy me. I didn't do it for them, anyway. I did it for me. I did it because I could never make it to work on time. Because when it was time to go back to work after vacation, I felt sick to my soul. year after year of sick to your soul takes a toll...(hey! I'm gonna make that my facebook status!!!) I doubt I'm done being freaked out about no income that I know of right this minute. AND I still have to clean out my desk, etc. I actually don't have to. The woman who is taking my room, said she'd be happy to do it. I may just let her. It's hard for me to throw things away. I am a hoarder. apparently not like on that show (I don't have cable so I don't know what it's called) but it does not feel good to throw things away. I do work at it though.
and I practice throwing things away. like bills and harbor freight circulars (but I do look at all the tools I want, before the tossaroo)
I am happy to be back blogging again. and I'm really glad I didn't delete my old entries. I wonder if anyone actually reads this stuff. I'm gonna buy a laptop this weekend, I think...not really a laptop, but a notebook laptop thingy. I'll need it while I'm traveling the world writing my book. (of which, I already have a title and some topics!)
Alright, I have had enough of this heat. I'm off to find the A/C control.
OH! Guess what? Yesterday there were 2 butterflies and a bee flying around the Chaste tree in my front yard! (now for the deja vu) not sure how to get my pics from phone to email...yes yes read the book they say...daisy is not at home. I'll make that a priority this weekend, because I really want you to see what I saw...
love you
truly
madly
deeply

Treats from a Stranger

2010-04-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten something from a stranger? LOL that sounds funny.
I don't mean like a one night stand, where you came away with more than you bargained for. Or a dent in your car door, that was most certainly not there when you left it just to run into Target. I mean, have you ever gotten flowers and chocolates with a note that says
Because you're Beautiful, sent to you at work, from someone you may or may not know?
I am assuming they're from someone I know, because most strangers do not know my name or the address of where I work (although that would be really easy to find out)
I don't think I'm going to really ask around, either. I love not knowing. Well, I love it today--
yesterday I was playing Sherlock Holmes, making it my life's mission to find out. Now...not so much.
I will tell you this, though: The next time you have the opportunity to do a random act of chivalrous kindness, DO IT! and there are tons of opportunity for these said acts, and you know it. Make someone's day. You don't need to see her face. You don't need to know how special it made her feel. You do not need a thank you. I am giving all of those things to you now. She took a picture and posted it on Facebook. She feels seen. She feels special. It warms her from the inside out.
And she ABSOLUTELY loves it-and you.

Well, well, well...

2010-04-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met someone who up and quit their job? Just because she could no longer
stand the feeling of getting up and going to a place with no windows, doing something she
didn't love; just to pay bills?
Blog world, meet Daisy Duke...former police officer, turned school teacher/tree hugger/pacifist/peacenik--soon to be temporarily unemployed/about to travel to India, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia and Nicaragua/woman whose shoes you wanna be in!
I was scared before I turned in my letter. My boss was surprised and envious, he said. He also said,
"you're livin' the dream"...yes, I suppose I am. It's easier to get up in the morning, and I mapped out
where I want to go---the Galapagos! Can you believe it?! Really, I have a life that people dream about
(sans the job they can't stand...but in order to quit with satisfaction, the story would be no good
if I quit a job I love) Now I am SO not scared.
There is so much to catch up on. I haven't written in 2 years? WTF? so much has happened since then.
I have transformed so many times. you wouldn't even believe the gallons of tears I've cried.
and I've loved a man. an amazing kind, generous soul, who taught me more about me, and love, than I'd learned in all the years prior.
When they say the dark night of the soul, they mean the dark night of the soul.
Honduras a couple more times, then last summer India. India again this summer, and then onto South America. oh geeze, I met my biological father--42 years later AND I have a sister! keeping the sister, for sure--still undecided about jimmy k the bio f.
My mom meditated for the first time, and I halleucinated for the first time.
I miss the jungle, and my passport is calling me from my underwear drawer (which is where it lives when not traveling) I"m about to buy the plane ticket of my life (so far)!
the rocks, the crystals, the reiki, the visions, the tears, the hairdo, the lawn, birds, totems, hawks, turkey buzzards and a snake in the garden this afternoon...and omg facebook! my 2 kindergarten best friends. oh, and my sweet Hawk, who I always thought I'd see again. babies, marriages and divorces...
so much action, change and movement.
it feels good to stretch my writing muscle...I do declare I'll give this another whirl.
love to love ya, baby~

pogo stick

2008-05-27T17:28:00.001-07:00

I don't really even feel like writing, but I feel like doing laundry even less.

Yesterday was a Memorial Day pool party, and the pictures are online today, and

in the name of Vishnu, what was I thinking? It was one of those things where I thought

I could get away with wearing something that I have no business being seen donning in

public. I cannot figure out what the freaking deal is with my metabolism. The last time

I got on the scale, it said 217. yep.217. well, I cured that. now I don't go near the bloody

thing. I'm having a difficult time with it though. that's an actual understatement. I'm

freaking the fuck out. inside, of course. just show up and pretend it doesn't matter how

fat you are. I know. children are soldiers, people are starving, the polar icecaps are melting

and all I can do is cry(I'm not really crying) about how disgusted I am. I haven't been very good at coaching

myself lately. I gave up on yoga just because I can't seem to make the time, and I need

the money for the classes to pay bills. I did, however, go to this incredible place called

wizard wells, on a retreat about 2 months ago. We ate vegetarian for the weekend, and

I just kept it up. So, really, with only a couple flub ups, I have been eating no meat for the

better part of 2 months. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be.

I'm in the market for an incredible healer. I know I have some (unknown)unresolved issues

past life regression, perhaps? whatever is there, I want to address, and release. maybe I need to just stay in honduras when I go this year.

I actually think there is someplace in south america or india, perhaps, that Im more suited for.

I used to know what I wanted, now, not so much. I'd like to work to train kids in leadership

and speak to the masses training them in powerful peaceful speech and I'd like to have

a huge vegetable garden and wildflowers in my yard that attract all sorts of hummingbirds

and butterflies. I'd like to live by water but in the middle of a forest. I'd like to go back

to girlscout camp and sing all the songs around the campfire, again. I'd like to climb

kilimanjaro and visit a polar icecap while they're still available. I"d like to give away a million

dollars and drive a corvette (hybrid, of course) I want to make out in the surf like in

from here to eternity. i'd like to talk sense into george w and I'd like to see those films that

morgan freeman hid at the end of shawshank redemption. i'd like to meet Bono, Jimmy Carter,

and the Dalai Lama (and really Angelina Jolie, but she is rather busy being pregnant with Brad Pitt's babies). I"d like to have an audience with the Pope (I just like to say those words

combined together) I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony ( I just threw that

in there to see if you were paying attention) I'd like to be the belle of the ball in an awesome

slinky dress (covering my awesome slinky body) I"d really like to figure out how to get right

in my own skin and I'd like a vanilla cone with crunchy chocolate topping-just like my daddy

used to get me at this place called Nagle's Top Dog. Oh yeah, and I really want to go to

the grand canyon AND to yellowstone. I"d like to participate in the UN for a year while i'm living

in a studio apartment in NYC.I don't care about singing at Carnegie Hall or even getting

married, but I do want to try on Vera Wang wedding dresses while drinking champagne in

the afternoon (they used to give you Coors lights at Western Warehouse while you tried to

squeeze your ass into the tightest jeans that would mke your ass look good...not really the

same, though) I want to spend as much time as life allows in a remote area with a curandero

and I want to run barefoot through the jungle. I left out the pyramids and the red sea, but

I want to experience them too. what I do not want, is to ever see the pictures of me from

yesterday again. ever. the picture at the begining of the writing seems like it doesn't belong, but I like it, so it's here now

peace

2008-04-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

old brother new life

2008-04-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

My baby brother has 7 vargas girl pinup tatoos, one tatoo that says MOM, and he burps and farts all the time. He also converted to an ism. I was going to say which one, but it doesn't really matter. It's a conservative organized religion. He tells his wife what to do by suggesting his desired outcome, they discuss it, she always agrees, and even when she doesn't they do what he says. When they got married, she was a sucessful, never married, smart, homeowning, career having, independent woman. Now she is virtually helpless. He won't let her wipe her nose alone. She is very devoted to the ism, and has taken her role as "wife" seriously. He was never going to convert. she adores his burping and farting self. then they had a baby, and he decided to take the plunge...(literally..he got baptised) my mom became apoplectic, and i supported his happiness. he fits in finally. but I miss my misfit brother. (I use that term loosely because is a funny intelligent dude)
yesterday my sister in law and I went to get an ice pellet soda, and were gone for 2 hours. it was a cloudless sunny day. no snow or ice. we were having fun and forgot to call. my brother loaded my 2 month and 2 year old nephews up in the minivan (he used to own 2 '57 cadillacs)and went looking for us. he called the hospitals. when I finally heard the phone ring he started yelling at me...we were pulling up inthe driveway...he cornered her in the garage, made her cry and told her she can never do that again--he just loves her too much. (reminscent of a jealous, controlling abusive psycho husband...it REALLY creeped me out) I am here visiting...they live 1600 miles away. we were visiting. babies were napping. daddy was on the computer.
OK we didn't call. we didn't mean to upset anyone. but we are 40 year old women who like to chat and we were driving aroundlooking for a t-shirt that I really wanted. hours later she was crying about it. he told her how he callled the hospitals. why? it's not like she didn't feel bad enough already...the only reason to do that would be to make her feel worse.
and someone told her you cannot take babies out of the house for the first 2 months of their lives.
he got pissed the night before when some guy came too the door peddling magazines. my brother thinks all those people are scammers...and declined. the guy called him a loser, and wished god's blessing upon him and walked away. my brother was furious. I said maybe the guy thinks you are a loser but really does want you to be blessed...that set him off. "at my front door?!!!!" "you mean you wouldn 't have a problem if someone called you a loser at your front door?!!!" I paused, and really considered the question..."I honestly don't think I"d care" for some reason that infuriated him.
we had a conversation about his angels. I told him thqat I'm bummed that he has made arrangements in the case of untimely deaths of he and his wife, that the boys go to her brother and sisterinlaw. He said I don't live a lifestyle to take care of kids. Im travelling all the time, etc. "I don't have children," I replied. well, it's not l ike I don't trust you, he said.....of course I know what that means. It's like when you refer to someone by saying, "oh, there goes daisy, bless her heart" you know they think you're a disabled loser. that's exactly wht my brother left me with.
his ism doesn't allow for everyone to be together in death...only if you do the right things here...at the specific organized religion gathering place.
The energy in my skin is uncomfortable. the next time I visit, UI'm going to rent a car and stay in a hotel.
Oh, I forgot to tell y ou that my brother won't let my 47 year old boyfriend and I sleep; ;in the same room in his house, because we are bnot married. I am 40 years old, we live togethger, and may very well never be married....AND he slept in the same bed with his wife before they married.
Please don't think I am making him wrong. that isn't what I meant. Im venting, and I dn't understand him. She has lived the ism her whole life and doesnt' act like this.
his life is not about me, and the 2 year old loves to play with auntie daisy.
there is spiritual unrest in this house...not just mine.
I'm glad I'm going home today.
I love my brother and his family.
I love my brother and his new life makes me feel like I wanna puke.
I love my brother and am happy that he finally feelslike he belongs.
I love my brother.

free verse

2008-03-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for some comfort, it seems to have escaped from within.
I looked, it's gone.
I'll create some more, for now I'd just like to borrow some.
Encased in a warm hold, burrowing my face deep just because I can; because it
feels safe and yummy. And a vision. I see the jungle again.
I don't need protection or even a place to hide...just some emotional
rental property. By the hour is fine. I'll take 6, please.
My Abu spoke 11 languages and called me his dvoirala...he plucked the
guitar and sang aye yay yay yays like no other man could. Big red nose
gallons of silvovitz (damn, have you ever had that stuff???)
oh red roses
quartz
green
bark
vines
cumulus clouds at the mountain top
cayuko
gallo pinto
shiny
bread
red car
mailbox
oleander
sixth grade best friend
sleep
dancing with the stars

fast asleep until I finally awoke

2008-03-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

So, a couple weeks ago, my dad asked me to sum up my life story in 6 words.

Several years ago, my dad was out of work, and out of unemployment, and not old enough for social security. I got another job, and paid his bills, to the best of my ability, for about a year. At that time, my brother told him to go on ss so that I could have a life, and my dad did. When my grandmother died, my dad said that he was going to pay me back. Of course I told him that he had no debt with me, but he insisted. Secretly, I was thrilled, because I would use that money to go to Peru with this crazy writer guy who I heard about.
Today I got a check in the mail for less than half the expected amount. (hello back burner, Iquitos) and this note:
Dear Daisy
I am now trying to remember how to write a Letter. This is some thank you for helping me out. So have you been able to write your life story in Six words? If we haven't talk (sic) about it yet here is mine.

Two wounderfull (sic) Children
They complete me.
and some other stuff that he had to say, blah blah blah

Love
Dad

When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry my daddy, sooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I still love him that much. Please pass the Kleenex

ask and ye shall receive

2008-02-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

I said that I want my new job to be "greening" people's lives...business, homes, etc...and I had no idea what that would look like. Lo and behold, I found a program at a Dallas Community College where I can learn how to do all that!
DUDE...
the Universe grants.

I also want to teach people the language of their lives...what ever their passion is, I want to teach them to language it effectively and powerfully.
hmph.
what does THAT look like?

27 days of lemonade

2008-01-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

I used the pendulum, yesterday, to ask my body if it wanted a fast.
What an Einstien, I am...not only does it want a fast, it wants it for 27 days. with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne...(it does not want supplements or pizza)
This is clearly MUCH bigger than me. I can do it though. I can train my brain to focus on things other than food. I did it for 9 days...27 is only 18 more than that
(OMG what am I saying???????????)
I did walk on 1200 degree coals, and jump out of an airplane, though. If I can do that, surely I can drink nothing but lemonade for 25 more days, don'tcha think???
God help me on this one.
Which really means I help myself.
I can do it.

YOu say you want a revolution....

2008-01-09T17:32:00.000-08:00

I watched this DVD on John and Yoko's bed peace demonstration.
Where are people like that, now? I'm right here, but I highly doubt people would tune in on their radios, worldwide, to listen to me. not only that, I don't play guitar.
Stay in bed for peace?
Someone capped Lennon, and Cindy Sheehan became quite the fanatic, didn't she?
how can you fight for peace?
Barack HillaryMITT(!?) the Huckabees ---all that money just to be in on the vote
Bhutto
Lewisville has an ordinance banning erection of windmills (heehee I said erection)
what a bunch of dolts! some city council guy actually said that they do not want to be on the cutting edge of this renewable power thing. DOH! (smacks side of head)
integrity is not a moral issue. It's doing what you say you're going to do, when you said you'd do it, the way it was meant to be done.

I"ve been commenting on blogs here and there, and realized that if anyone should happen to link back here, they're gonna read stuff that really isn't about me anymore.
Still into the trees
PEACE as a possibility
gotta get the cash to travel, plant, and speak out

143 am

2007-10-19T23:42:00.000-07:00

I wrote some haikus last weekend. love their simplicity...but I couldn't get the photos to match up with the simple poetry, in the alotted time, so I saved them to drafts.
I'm not tired enough to go to sleep right this minute, but soon

575

2007-10-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

Oh I love Haiku
you don't have to rhyme or prose
just say what you want

birthday party friends
our giddy chatter never ends
red wine in a cup.

all I am saying

is give peace a chance. plant trees

seeds the begining

ours of party fun
its words make you laugh out loud
maybe pee your pants

sunday afternoon
still naked thinking alone
money tree goddess

wonder whats to eat
children starving over there
have yogurt and pray

travel on effing hot coals
glimmering eyes in the night
eleven hundred

damsel in distress

dragonfly on lost creek drive

digital beauty

wedding purple dress

food was ok music good

then they went to Greece

the big four oh

2007-08-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

HOLY SHIT.

40.

(years old)

I considered naming a new blog page. why should I? I have nothing to hide. all those past entries are still in my past....I don't have to refer to it because I don't live there....you can if you want. But it isn't me. And although this isn't me, either, she's so damned cute, I just couldn't resist...

Daisy NOT 40

Daisy 40....(years old)

you say it's my your birthday....

2006-08-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

well, it was my birthday too, yeah...
I had fun...my friends called and some sang to me. My kids hugged me and sang...there was cake. there were cards and gifts. What a celebration. I am so blessed. It's a good life I've chosen here.

homeagain HNT

2006-08-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

no fancy hairdo, or oooolaaalaaa black dress.
Last night's makeup and a red blanket on the chair...

these are a few of my favorite things

2006-07-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

the sun on my face...............

wildflowers in the jungle...............................

green snakes.................................................

(and thanks to blogger for allowing me to post today...albiet short and sweet...I'll try for a few more, later)

In the land where he was born~

2006-07-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

He spent hours and hours on end listening to my CDs. He loves The Beatles, Tom Petty, and Johnny Lang--the best out of the tunes I brought. It made me giggle to hear him sing the words they way he thought they were. When you don't know the language of the song, the actual words are a bit difficult to manage...

We hung around in these for hours talking about a fantasy life together in a world that does not exist.
One afternoon, he filed my fingernails with and emery board he had never seen the likes of; humming the begining of Yellow Submarine over and over. It was the sweetest thing you ever saw. Right out of a movie that makes you cry everytime.

and last night, mi amor de la bosque de lluvia, called his nena, and asked for more money. This morning I sent it to him.

and with that, the chapter about the ending, begins~

buenos noches...

2006-07-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

de la celva de Mocoron, La Mosquitia, Honduras, CA.
I love this place.
Primative, yet...there is the internet in the middle of it all. A solar powered computer center is the finished grant from USAID, and allows me to write to you.
It´s amazing. Really. Last year we had to pay for the generator just to have light. Now we have computers! oh, and showers.(not hot, but water from the wall...as opposed to the rio mocoron en los años pasados)
Anyway.
Today we finished the vivero, and planted about 500 seeds. cedro macho(which they say is the next mohagany)caoba, and papaya. in about 2 months, the seeds will be saplings ready to plant. Probably about 400 will make it. This is my legacy. This is my contribution. From here on out, I´m a tree planter. Every year I return, that will be my mission. The kids here only know they are working for a toothbrush and toothpaste. maybe some underwear. a ponytail holder or t-shirt here and there...they don´`t get that this is their future. It´s really the future of the world. Without rainforest, we WILL perish.
That´s ok. They will know.
It´s really not THAT bad. ok ok. the humidity is so high, my hair never dries. and the mosquito bites wake me up sometimes...and oh yeah, you MUST tuck in your mosquito net, or else you will wake up minced meat. I´m chuckling. I don´t think I have any friends who would come here on a bet. I mean, it´s not fear factor. There is plenty of rice and beans. There are eggs sometimes. Dude, I had fried chicken for lunch, yesterday.
Granted I crap several times a day, and the nights are always hot...
but if you could just see it.
more stars than you´ve ever seen. parrots. roosters. pigs. babies. mamas. abuelos. This is really the stuff in movies. the sound of the running river lulls you to sleep at night. the crowing rooster wakes you at dawn.
That, and I have my own personal guide. The teacher I met last year. Sweet, sweet boy. man. guy. indigenous male. not sure how to put it. anyway. I saw him in the big city my second day here, and then he found a ride, and just showed up in the village that night. he´ll be 27 in december. has 2 degrees. was a teacher until the last election...and now since he´´s a nationalista (eh hem...a Honduranian republican)he´s unemployed. he wants to marry me and make babies. just 2. come to the US and work like crazy. and plant trees with me. He does not speak English, by the way.
we talked into the night many times last year. got bitten by the same mosquitoes(which is kind of funny, because the indigenous here are Miskitos) he got malaria, I did not. We just sort of picked up where we left off last year...well, except for he sleeps with me. in my room. minor detail. It´s so easy. our little make believe space.
I´m less concerned with immigration politics than I am with whether or not we could be happy together. it works great here. he speaks the native tongue and spanish. we hang out. he carries my stuff around for me. But that ain´t gonna cut it at home. I¨m sure I´m not looking at this from every perspective, because all I can see, is my electric bill. my mortgage. no bling. no manolo blahniks. continuation of working more jobs...and struggling to make ends meet. I can´t see how to make this trip every year. could I even resist advances from suave assertive men? I´ll be you didn´t think your daisy to be so selfish, did you?
I´m considering it.
I know. I know.
we shall see what we shall see.

I got a 1.0 GB chip for my digital...now I just have to figure out the downloading process. maybe from the jungle directly, but more than likely from my messy office.

I love you.
we´ll chat soon...
besitos
daisy....

what happens in vegas stays in vegas

2006-06-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

DUDE....I couldn't buy a t-shirt that said that. Really. I didn't earn it.
they didn't have those t-shirts in Ontario...
do you know that the first night I was there(in Niagara falls),

I was wearing a mini-skirt with no panties...when my "date" bent over to tie his shoe, I shoved my shit in his face. in the middle of the street. people were appalled. Charlotte said I was gonna get us kicked out of the country....

I looked hot.... No official HNT.

and yes, I am using pics from her page. I'm drunk writing this. I can be tanked and still give peace a chance, don't you think? For Pete's sake ( I just had a blind date with a guy named pete...which, ironically, is the name of my first...ooooohhhhh ahhhhh love...he dumped me because I was poor)anyway. say what you will...but sunday, I'm leaving for the rainforest, so that I can do my part for our planet.

van gough

2006-06-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

I love this pic...even if my head is cut off...

This is me. Alone at sunset. in my rented convertible. on pismo beach.

*as a sidebar*
my friend Charlotte has some, uh, other, vacation pics from when we were at Niagara Falls last week... http://www.caronfire.blogspot.com

War is not the answer...

2006-06-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have had a crush on "this guy" for months. Last night we spent a little over 3 hours on the phone, and I'm certain he never wants to talk to me again.
After an hour of extremely intimate give and take about life love and happiness...we moved on, to politics. We talked about what's happening in Iraq.
what we're doing, what we've been doing, doesn't work. and we expect it to. that's the definition of insanity. The conversation was extremely passionate. Both parties have a firm grip on what they believe serves this planet most productively.
At the end of 2 more hours of heated discussion, he labled me a pacifist (which, I don't think war is morally wrong. I think morals are ineffective......anyway) and told me that since I don't believe in what our country is up to in the middle east, I should move to a different country AND that I must be a sympathizer. that I must agree with the Taliban, since I am not outraged, and do not demand retribution for the people who died on 9/11. retribution? killing as a solution to killing? because I have evolved into a being who does not hate?
wow
he was so filled with anger. toward me. not just the situation. but because I do not agree with planned killing as an effective means to procure peace.
I haven't ever had a conversation like that.
fortunately he and I had that conversation, I'm convinced, so that we could both be exposed to something new for each of us.
My dear newlywed friend, thinks I need to find a way to stop running into people who are so opposite my value system. for a minute I was right on board with that. It's my prerogative to change my mind, though.
I'm glad he was able to see my shoes, even if he chooses not to walk in them.
Really, all I am saying is GIVE PEACE A CHANCE

gone again gone again...

2006-06-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, so so far, I've built some houses in Tijuana, driven up and down the California coast in a convertible, and spent a topless week in Vegas. Tomorrow my dear friend Charlotte and I, will meet up in Niagara Falls for five days of more fun. Watch CNN for reports and updates...I"m SURE there will be film at 11!
Hell, who knows, maybe I'll get lucky with the digital camera, and there will be a slide show...

(by the way, thank you Seamus. THAT is the perspective I will look at that from, from now on!!)

viva las vegas

2006-06-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

I almost did something in Vegas that was t-shirt worthy. After an evening of incessant blackjack flirting, the CEO of a company you've probably heard of, took me to an exclusive club. We drank and danced. Made out, and oohhed and ahhhhed at the Strip from the balcony of the 62nd floor. He was the epitome of the Pretty Woman version of Richard Gere. Stunningly attractive, successful President of an up and coming company, and a buyer and seller of businesses, complete with a self-professed complicated life--all rolled up into a man who definitely made me feel nothing less than Julia Robertsesque.
So we're totally mugging down, groping, giggling...having an out and out blast funtime extraordiare...and I bust out with---and I'm not kidding, yours truly, in her infinite wisdom, asked the following:
and I quote "do you pay for sex?"
WHAT?
IN THE NAME OF VISHNU
MADE ME SAY THAT?
oh hell, I was all caught up in that pretty woman setting...plus I was half drunk. Needless to say, I didn't end up going to Laguna to spend a couple days with him at the Montage, as originally discussed. I felt bad and apologized, but he was over me within a split second.
I spent the rest of my trip in a swanky suite, helping tend to my beautiful angel baby nephew. I did manage to find my way to the topless pool (see photo) and to a couple exhibits and a short Huey Lewis and the News concert...Sorry for the upside down booby, but you know how challenged I am in the editing department. we're lucky we even have this. No lie, though, some person I don't even know took this pic and sent it with her phone, so that I'd have SOMETHING to commemorate the occassion.

onward christian soldiers??

2006-06-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

I came across this journalist's blog today. http://onthescene.msnbc.com/baghdad/2006/06/uncontainable_e.html#posts I found the reporting fantastic, but many of the comments disheartening. People are elated that a man has been murdered. Albiet a man who has ordered the same of countless others, and helped hold thousands in terror...I just don't see how the killing of anyone is cause for celebration. All this hatred does, is beget more hatred.
I almost said I'm unsure of the answer, but I am not. The people on this planet have drained their own power by making it their goal to achieve it. Do you get that? By forgetting that we all come from the same source, and that we are really one, we cut off our global nose, to spite our face. We are collectively insane; for centuries doing the same thing, using the same tactics, getting the same results...waiting for other results to emerge.

I miss John Lennon, and I never even got to meet him~

All I am saying, is give peace a chance....

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...I hope someday you'll join us, and the world
will live as one.

NOTHING IS WORTH MORE THAN THIS DAY

2006-05-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

GOETH

what I'd also like to keep in mind is this--said by a man whose revised education has given me a whole new perspective...

THIS IS IT.
THERE ARE NO HIDDEN MEANINGS.
ALL THAT MYSTICAL "STUFF" IS JUST WHAT'S SO.

WERNER ERHARD

...anything other than what's so, or what happened, is just a story.
and what's happening for me, is life. I am living. Searching for my niche as a contributor to the conservation and perpetuation of peaceful life on this planet.
(and in that, last weekend, I had the best sex I have EVER had .)

all the way NT

2006-04-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry.
still not able to send the pics. BUT what I will do, is promise to, at some point today, get all the way naked and sit here in front of the screen.

and next week, I'll either have a new phone, or figure out the software for my digital.

meaning

2006-04-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

does it mean anything that I wore panties today? and if so, what does it mean that I'm accidentally wearing them inside out??

Peace, Love and Joy

2006-04-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

and money, of course.
Really, though, I had an entry started on integrity. I have since been moved to write otherwise. www.wordweaver-tashe.blogspot.com.
they have waited for her, as they have for me. I know this to be true. inherently. people tell me. that is not my proof. I am my own proof. I don't know what it looks like to be the leader of masses, and yet, I am she. once there is a preconceived notion, then that idea becomes regular again; one capable of only regular outcomes. I have not been practicing. I have been living lately, safe and reasonable. complacent and resigned. nothing extraordinary has happened. the clearing I created for myself and my life has been ignored. everything has become so significant. really, I did all that. I have been making myself suffer. there isn't a need for that. everything matters, yes; unless of course, it doesn't.
what I can tell you today, is that we, every single one of us on the face of this earth, are part of One. so, to punish a part, a person we judge to be undeserving, is to punish the Whole. this rambling is all about a conversation. with God. Hitler. Mother Teresa. Lee Havey Oswald. JFK. Mussolini. Ted Bundy. Lady Di. Buddha. Oprah. Mohammed. Rush Limbaugh. Jesus. Bin Laden. Pope John Paul. George Bush. Madonna. Tupac Shakur...can you not see. all created from the same womb. it is indeed possible, that each has a valid point of view. not that yours should change because of it, but that each considered theirs valid. and judgement of "man" has made their views right or wrong. what if every single one has validity and purpose?
You know that miracles occur every day. you know that anything is actually possible. get a handle on that YOU make a difference. what would it be like if the world were filled with embodiments of you? what do you think about that? if, in one way, or another, each of us had and did just as you. what is it that you want the world to be? lead by example as have others before you. if what you be is the reflection for what you want--today--how does that look to you? where is the adjustment?
Relax your judgement just for today. Just for today consider the most evil person, dead or alive, worthy of love. your love. God's love.(which are, by the way, One in the same)
Just consider it, ok? Try it on.

hi

2006-04-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

wow, I love getting messages from you.
I'm ok.
dealing with myself.

Empty HNT

2006-02-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

Honestly.
I took the picture.
It's borderline hot.
My phone won't send it.
I'll keep trying.
I had no idea you were sad to see me go.

My birthday is six months from today~

2006-02-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

for whoever wants to know, I'll be 39, and the sun will be shining...as it always does in August in Texas.
The weather outside is dreary. It's grey and there's shit coming from the sky. Not actual excriment...just some precip that we really need. I'm trying to imagine how it is on days when i think nothing and no one can get me down. The sun is usually out on those days.
I talked chatted with a guy last night, who is totally enamored with me. Even though he doesn't know me and thinks I am sophisticated and upper somethingorother, he totally wants me to enter into some relationship that involves sleeping together, two-stepping and cuddling. He hates sushi, and doesn't care about museums, says ain't, and drives a truck for a living. The pisser of it, is that I actually consider it because he lives so close and seems so genuine. Hello. This is the girl who would gladly drop 500bucks on a pair of shoes if she had the dough.
I have been ignoring my mom (I know, very mature and grown up of me)
My brother has an outrageously high lipid count which has somehow metastasized as a thingy in his eye...he says it's not virul--hope his liver's ok.
Good news is that my temporary roomie is gone (I'm not sure you know about that or not--suffice to say, i took in another stray who bit my feeding hand--this time not QUITE so bad)
other good news: I've figured my money situation for next month. Looks like I'll be able to pay my bills again.
wooohooo pick me!

no title

2006-02-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

If I had 6 million dollars:

I'd buy a house with a pool
some manolo blahniks
a fast car or two
I'd call up Hillary and that black senator guy from Illinois (the one with the funny last name)
I would probably get in touch with Oprah and Angelina Jolie.
and the Dali Lama
I would definitely call up Yoko Ono and talk about John Lennon and one world Peace.
Of course I'd pay my family's debts, and my own
I'd have a special house built for Hayden...with lifts and ramps and a humongous screen so that Barney would always be life sized...maybe even a nurse
I'd save a shitload of it, and then give a few grand to homeless people on the corners of streets that are scary at night.
I'd quit my job and get tennis lessons.
I'd also build some sort of resort on the edge of the Honduran rain forest, and have a haven to run off to. the indigenous would work there and the food would be...I don't know what the food would be
I'd go to the Grand Canyon for sure
and Machu Picchu.

first thing I'd do, though, is go see Seamus and his Buffledog ( http://dampdog.blogspot.com ) because if it weren't for his simple demand, I wouldn't have thought up any of this.

I'm not sure if this means I'm back, or not.

P.S. I just looked at all the shit I'm gonna do with 6 million bucks. So I may need a little more than 6 million. (the phone calls are free though, with my wireless plan-so that saves a little)

Lip Service HNT

2006-02-02T07:37:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about the experiences these lips have had.

words spoken.
times licked (by self, or otherwise)
whistles blown
anything else blown
kisses had
how many frowns
ten times as many smiles
successful/unsuccessful pouts
times bitten (by self, or otherwise)
whispers whispered
and secrets kept
how many lipsticks worn
bottom lip quivers
sheepish grins
all of that and more...

broken ankle

2006-01-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

I just haven't felt that much like blogging lately. That, and I love lopsided ponytail daisy, and I like to see her when I log onto my page.

When I was about 3, I think, my next-door neighbor, Jimmy Mallory, was pushing me on a tricycle--because my feet didn't reach the pedals (one of those old fashionedy kinds. the taller than usual type) and my leg got caught in the spokes. The ankle didn't hold up well, and broke.

My mom and Jeannie Morrison raced me to the emergency room in our then family car ('66 ragtop Stingray Corvette) and I apparently couldn't be calmed. Afraid to get the cast, the doctor put one on my baby doll, too. I still have the doll with the cast (except one day I washed her hair, so now all she has is this sumo wrestler pigtail on top of her head) anyway...I finally got the cast. BUT, I refused to walk for almost the entire time I had it on. Parents were tired of toting lopsided ponytail daisy around, and lopsided ponytail daisy was tired of hopping on one foot---hence the pink horsie.

Surprisingly, as an adult (which I just had a conversation about today...I still find it difficult to refer to myself as a woman (not that I feel like a man) but woman is definitely grown up, and I have a hard time picturing myself as that)
any way, as a 38 year old, I'm really not scared of tangible things like that.
Still working on the intangibles~

Some years later, Jimmy Mallory also delivered to me my first kiss. It had tongue, and tasted like cigarettes. He used to bribe me...smokes for kisses. (it worked back then) Now, he lives in North Carolina, or something, and can't go back in Michigan, or he'll go directly to the pen'.

that's it.
have a nice day.

NOW

2006-01-30T09:12:00.000-08:00

I have realized that the past and the future are real illusions, that they exist only in the present, which is what there is and all that there is.

alan watts

HNT then and now...

2006-01-25T17:57:00.000-08:00

moreso lately, I am lopsided ponytail daisy....

instead of modern art daisy....

I love that pink horsie riding girl.

The naked one has her moments, too.

I wonder what 75 year old daisy will be like...

go to sleep y'little baby

2006-01-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

I looked at a 6week old baby today. she smelled like cigarettes and her jammies were almost too small. she had a rash on her face and a Mama who loves her like the dickens. baby girl was fighting sleep, trying to stay awake and take in every single bit of life that she could. she was so sleepy. as she fussed, i scooped her up in my arms and rocked her until she finally slept. during those moments i didn't think of empty marriages or beds, unfulfilled dreams or too tight jeans. i looked at that child and wondered what i could give her at that very moment. anything to soothe her soul and allow her to sleep in peace. i was happy to hold that new miracle in my arms. happy she trusted me and happy that i knew exactly what to do. I wondered about the birthmark on her eyelid. It made me a little sad, because I knew that one day she'd cry to her mommy when the kids made fun of her. I'm sure the rash will go away in a few weeks, but know that the lingering effects from that smoke she breathes everyday will make her cough more than she has to. I thought about what she's gonna look like when her hair grows in. Pink dress and a matching bow in her pony tail (thank you george strait) I'm so certain that our exchange today meant as much to her as it did to me.
I wonder what it is about the purity of babies--their complete innocence...I wonder what it is about babies and me that attract...wonder if we attract because of the ones I've not had. It is an honest inquiry. one with no answer, i'm sure of that.

sunday night

2006-01-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

so, this weekend, I went back to my old life.
I sought comfort in the arms of another. twice.
we sat and talked about stuff we'd never said before. we kissed whenever we felt like it. we laughed and drank and had fun. we giggled as we dialed charlotte's number. we went to my house and had different sex than we ever have before. it was sweet. we saw things in a different light. then, my friends' brother went home to his wife and kids.
last night I went out with his sister. unbeknownst to her, the events of friday night...I laughed and danced and went home with Roger with an I. only after we salsa danced to every conceivable type of music a hot club can play, did we go to the den where they serve vodka all night long. in his uncluttered abode, we talked and sang along to Nora Jones tunes. after we slowdanced in his kitchen, we retired to the bed with the egyptian cotton sheets. not your typical torrid hook-up. there was no disappointment in what he saw or what happened between us. drawing me close to his warm skin, I slept with this stranger well into the day.

some time ago, I tried to break my cycle of strange bedfellows. Realizing that there is no comfort once the other person has to go home, I got that something is not always better than nothing. and my affection/attention addiction is not resolved. I am only 8 hours back on the wagon. in all of my transformation and inspiration, i still lose track of me. there are tears in my eyes. i don't want to go to work tomorrow, and I don't want to sleep in my own egyptian cotton sheets alone.
it's been months since I've made the decision not to accept booty calls from my friends' brother; since i decided to honor the instition that has eluded me.
I have stayed home countless weekends, and have made myself unapproachable, so that weekends like this don't happen. because i make myself bad and wrong. even though i am not. what i am is lonesome and wondering. wondering what you think of me. questioning what my life is. who the fuck I am and what difference any of this makes.
sometimes i'm so sure. sometimes i absolutely know i'm living the possibilities the world has to offer. other times not so much. i'm not depressed nor do I feel like I can't make it through another day. i am emotional. there's no full moon, and i'm not starting my period. i wonder if it's because i'm on the brink of discovery. what's to become of me? i'm weary. and did I say lonely? yeah. i'm smart and funny and look great in that black dress. i feel and hurt and give. and give and give and give. sometimes people try and give to me. acceptance is really the issue here. not mine of you. but yours of me. and mostly, mine of me.
my old life is not what i want for my now life or my future life. sometimes it seems like such a comfort. it never really is, though. 's like when i ate out of control two weeks ago. it tasted good, but now my pants don't fit. same thing here. it was fun, but now i'm ashamed to say that's me. again.

Lame HNT

2006-01-19T07:06:00.000-08:00

Get it?
Lame?
there's my leg?
I overslept this morning and this is all I got!

what are words for

2006-01-17T22:43:00.000-08:00

It's cold tonight.
My feet are cold even though I am wearing fuzzy slippers.
I don't know why he hasn't called, even though I don't really know who he is.
She's sleeping, I am not.
what to wear.
never belly flat.
new hairdo.
dead dad spoke
I miss my grandmother
mmmm...sunny hot beach
cold cosmo with ice shavings
longing for the next first kiss
new friends
new language
old stuff left behind wanting to come along
tulips
taxes
santa clauses around my house still
silence
not cute today
needy
lonesome
glimpses of what
i wanna see brokeback mountain
divine intelligence please speak up
declaration
worthy
i love big macs
handle bar mustached daddy
lopsided pigtail girl
wish I may wish I might
it's cold tonight.

HNT moon

2006-01-12T09:15:00.000-08:00

There's something soothing about the light of the moon. I had no time to snap any pics today...these are lunar shots of yore....

Have a Coke and a Smile

2006-01-10T21:14:00.000-08:00

I love that Coke commercial they used to show at Christmastime...where they were everyone was standing with candles, swaying, singing"I'd like to teach the world to sing...in perfect harmony...I'd like to buy the world a coke...and keep it company..."

Those of you closet shrinks, you have a real case on your hands:
for the past 3 days I've been eating salmon etal...until today~
today's menu was exactly this:
morning dose of GreensFirst/vitamins
1 can mini-ravioli
peas
little salad with turkey and raspberry vinegrette
some chocolate
a couple starbursts
1 big mac
1 order fries
1 regular coca-cola
2 pieces fried chicken
1/2 cup coleslaw
1 biscuit-n-honey
32 oz coca-cola
12 more ounces coca-cola
some water

my friend charlotte suggested that I may be binging?

CRY FOR HELP

2006-01-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

If you have the slightest idea how to make mustard greens, swiss chard, and spinach - with salmon on top, taste like a Big Mac...I BESEECH you... let me know immediately!!!!!!
Also, any structural engineers with any ideas about how to get all of this back into these jeans, I'd be happy to help illustrate this for your journal publishing.

Brand new year

2006-01-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

2005 is complete. I declare it so.
I so get what NEW year celebration is about now.
Any feelings or business or whatever that resonates from 2005 is done.
No need to carry ANY part of the past with me; I just got that 2005 is my past.
Not only that, I am allowed to let everything go:
jobs I'm not satisfied with--I can quit trying to satisfy myself with them. Let one go, and work on the other.
I haven't talked to cute boy in 2006. I'm not quite to the point where I can say "oh well" , but I cannot make him want me, nor do I want to try and talk him into it.
I can make amends if I so choose...or not.
This is even a new year for me and my mom.
I don't have to continue to feel ashamed or bad for anything I have or have not done.
Talk about weight loss! This realization has just lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
If I'd considered this a week ago, I'd have realized the celebration for what it was, and not just for what it wasn't.
I hope I don't forget this~

New Year, old dress

2006-01-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

The story behind my return HNT is as follows:

Several years ago, I lost about 280 pounds. 230 were his, and 50-mine. I bought this dress to go to a New Year's Eve party at a hotel.(without him) I'll never forget the look on my friend Kate's face when she saw me in it.
"WHAT are you wearing that for?!" she exclaimed.
I was on cloud nine. I felt like I'd be the most gorgeous person at the Hyatt that night. I told her "if you had what I've got, you'd wear this dress, too!" I have gotten more than my money's worth with that purchase. Over and over again, I have been the belle of the ball--even if only in MY mind~
Just for shits and grins, last night I put that dress on. As I zipped the zipper, I wondered when I'd get to wear it again. After the zipper closed, I stood back and looked into the mirror.
Damn.
I'd want to dance with me...

The Stones

2006-01-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

I get that is seems like my happiness revolves around how any given man feels about me at any given time. It's not just that, really. Other things in my life aren't working right now, either. My relationship with my mom is tenative, to say the least. Although I have money today (i did misplace $1200 cash for a few hours yesterday), I worry about how to keep that pot full. and at Dusty's insistance, I am forced to realize that there may be some contributing factors I had not even considered.
I created a project for peace. Inspired at the thought of it, it was born from love and knowledge that we can all have it. I got people interested, and have just left them hanging. without explanation. I have committed to several things that I'd like to do...but suddenly have abandoned them. I think it has to do with realizing my power. I know I have it. If I keep my agreements, I'm gonna have to live up to that. If I sabbotage, then I can just keep flying below the radar--where I don't want to be. You see, I choose this life, and everything in it.
I don't choose people's actions but I choose my responses to them. I choose my interpretations, and I choose my risk level.
Do you know how many rocks I've looked under when it comes to men?
I can't even begin to tell you. There is an imbalance. I am an extreme risk taker there, I think. Whereas, careerwise, I just settle for something blah blah blah because it's dependable and pays my bills. In my family, I just settle for superficial conversations because I can avoid confrontation--and in life, I demand OTHER people be accountable for what is said and unsaid.

There is an abundance of money, joy and love in the universe. It is there for the taking. MY taking. Somewhere I know why I choose not to take.
You see, Kurt, this is my soul selling. In my heaven on earth, also exists a hell of sorts--that I have created. That I have the power to recreate. If only I'd let go.

The following took me away for a few minutes.

At my job I get to hold new babies all the time. As she smiled at me, I took into my arms the child attached to this hand. This child weighed 3 lbs 9oz at birth. Today she weighs in at just over 4and a half pounds. She's so teeny. She and I held each other for a bit this morning. Not for even one split second did I think about choices. Quite honestly, I held her thinking she'd fit inside my womb. I thought of nothing but peace, love and joy.
How appropot was it for Mick Jagger to be singing to me this morning on my way to work...."you can't always get what you waaaant. you can't always get what you waaaant. but if you try sometimes. you just might find. you get whatcha need...."
thanks, Mick~

another day in paradise

2006-01-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

So, without notice, I abandoned my blog.
I just didn't feel like spending time to write about what was/is happening in my life. I still don't.

I knew I wouldn't get voted number one red hot anything, so that was no surprise...

I got my nose pierced, as you know. (still trying to be inconspicuous at work...so far, so good) and yes, MamaK...we went to 23rd street. from what I understand that 's the ONLY place you're supposed to go.

Did you know it's illegal to get a tattoo in Oklahoma???

Spent an incredibly awkward week at my mom's. I can't explain it, and I don't have the juice to spend trying to confront her about it. Instead I do nothing, and internalize it...stressing my poor lima bean adrenals even more.

The chiropractor formerly known as my crush...who, turns out, is a cool person to have kept around as a friend. All was not lost there. He moves to Denver tomorrow, though. I helped him pack all day sunday, and was relieved he didn'[t need my help yesterday.

I met someone, (we'll call him cute guy) who I thought I'd be starting something with...BUT after talking everyday for a week, and spending the better part of 3 days together, he said he has to clean up a previous mess. I can't help but feeling defective--even though I'm not and I know it. He explained it all out, and it seems at about the same time Mr Arlt was giving me the royal lying to, he was experiencing much the same thing. I know that immediately following my own debacle, I really wasn't ready either. I don't get it though. Maybe I do get it, and I just don't want to see the rug out from under me. again. Before Christmas, my plate was totally clean. and then shows up cute guy. I had no irons in the fire to keep me from devoting full attention to this exciting new thing. I realize that CD making and daily phone calls do not translate into anything other than CDs and phone calls....BUT you'd have a hard time convincing me there isn't something wrong.
He's not an asshole. He didn't do anything wrong. I'm not better off without him, Dad, if he can't see how great I am.
Do people take time/space/clean up messes, and then after a while pick up where they left off? I know it's only been a short time. I know I'll live. I always do. and it's not just him, but today...life doesn't feel that good.
Oh yeah, I've gained 17.5 pounds since October 5.
That helps.

Other men have been resurfacing for some reason...the guy who dumped me for fear of obesity, has been emailing me--the other day he told me to be showered and at my house by 430, as he'd be having beaver for dinner. I can't tell you how touched I was by THAT proposition.
A different guy from 2 YEARS ago wrote to me last night. Apologizing for running away when he realized he could fall in love with me. oops. Wants to have dinner and talk about what our future holds. (did I mention he has made several contacts on the past year and a half, wanting to do something...only to stand me up and never call) I agreed to have dinner with him. Hell, there's really nobody I have been unable to forgive...not sure about any future with him...but I'll hear his schpeel.

In an nutshell-I don't feel funny, smart, sexy, or worthy.
I know this isn't productive.
Oh well.
sue me.

Here I am on NYE...I LOOK happy~
deceiving, eh?

Fun in Bethany

2005-12-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

WOW!
Hot Lips AND Hot Blog...
I'm flattered! I must say that I sent my own hot lips pic in not expecting much, but then I got that message from the sizzling ab guy...truth is, I'm not gonna go out and solicit votes. If you read this and you wanna vote for me send a note to
rhspapa@yahoo.com, or go to his page to see who else you may wanna vote for : http://eyedeal.blogspot.com/

OK, so this weekend I went to Oklahoma to see my best friend. (http://caronfire.blogspot.com) you can call her Charlotte. Anyway, have you just looked at someone and wished that you could hang out with them for a while? That's how it is when we hang out. For a couple 38 year olds, we don't do too badly. I was gonna get to Oklahoma Friday evening, but Charlotte got hammered at her Christmas party the night before and stayed out till 530am...she had to sleep before my arrival. I got there about 115 Saturday afternoon. By 330 I had a nose ring and she a nose AND nipple! We were giddy. Laughing...both screaming at how our moms are gonna shit their respective pants...

We ate lunch with her new found romance (I was privy to it's inception two weeks ago, via phone calls in the middle of the night from Vegas) he's adorable and was nervous to meet me. Funny, because from the begining, at least, I like everyone. Poor thing, Char showed him her new piercings before he got out of his truck, and then he had to pull himself together enough to walk into the restaurant...it was fun. She's gaga over him...of course there's more to the story than that, but you can go read her stuff if you really need to know the rest...

We spent a few hours at the mall, which in and of itself, may seem like NBD.
Charlotte and I are the kind of friends who people look twice at. We scratch backs or play with each other's hair, walk arm in arm...she wears tight shirts and has cool, wild hair, and I am laughing outloud all the time. The mall temperature was hovering at 4000 degrees. I had a tank under my jacket, and since it was so hot, I tied the jacket around my waist. Charlotte had a halter tanky thing with no bra on (new nipple piercing) and a sweatshirt...she had her sweatshirt hanging off her shoulders so you could see the tattoos on her shoulders and back. People were noticeably looking at us. As we walked through the crowded mall, heads turned. Men and women. Honestly, I've seen us both look better; it must just have been the "aura" that got their attention...in other areas, though, it was way more---In Bath and Body works, after she rubbed smelly lotion on her shoulder, Charlotte called me over to smell...when I rubbed in the extra that she couldn't see, and sniffed at the same time, the cop in the store almost knocked over a display of spritzy bottles.... At American Eagle, the guy at the register couldn't quit watching...she was playing with my hair and then I scratched her back with the edge of my credit card...poor guy--he almost couldn't ring us up. we don't do it on purpose, I swear! Oh, and the cop re-appeared at JCPenney. I was buying my Dad some t-shirts, and there he was--trying to look inconspicuous..yeah right! maybe he thought we were shoplifters?? In all honesty, I can't think of anyone who has as much fun together as me and Char. Laughing together, crying together...she's the best friend ever. and this weekend was fun. It was girly fun. No alcohol involved. That's not to say we have never had fun drinking...but that's a whole other blogsite..

Yesterday, I went back to the piercing shop. I didn't like where my nose piercing was. He was gonna make me wait, but I told him I had to leave to go back to Texas...The guy took out the original and re-pierced. I have a high threshold for pain, but this hurt like and absolute bitch. Now it's over, and I'm not sure I like where this one is, but there's no way in hell I'm ever removing this fish hook from my nostril. I think it's small enough, and strategically placed enough---hopefully the principal won't see it and make me take it out....(I've been trying to photgraph it for the past 10 minutes and can't seem to get it--when I figure it out, I'll show you) Oh, yeah, Charlotte went ahead and got her other nipple pierced. (I doubt that's something I'll ever do...notice, however, I didn't say never)

I have to go. I have a lunch date today. It's one I've been looking forward to for some time, now...

Santa Baby...

2005-12-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

Keeping with the holiday spirit...Santa and I had a short photo session this morning.
It ended with my whispering Christmas wishes into Ole Saint Nick's ear.....

Happy HNT by the way...

24 little hours

2005-12-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

here's what a difference a day makes...

I'm pissed off. Two of my friends won't take 3 hours to do something.
And for some reason, I thought I was the only one, but have realized that, in fact, I am not.
(I suspect you're looking for details here, but this'll have to do)

Even though none of the three of these people have said so, the meaning I attach to all of this is that I'm not good enough.
I do this to myself, I know. I can choose to just get off it, and let it go. My choice, however is to be hurt more than pissed, because of some stories I made up about why they won't do it, and how I'll never be number one for anybody.
I have averaged about 4 hours of sleep less than I'm accustomed. I'm certain once I sleep, I'll be able to see things from another perspective.
Until then, quite frankly, I am self doubting and lonesome.
For the record, my little voice is saying you probably think I'm bi-polar or something...

here and now

2005-12-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

I know that I have the power to choose my life. I create the context into which my life goes. Some days I KNOW what it is I'm doing, and others, I listen to something else, something I know is not reality, and in those moments I am resigned. If the little voice in my head isn't really me, then who is it really?
Of course we all have it. Yours is talking right now...
"I don't have one of those, really"
"MY voice really IS me"
"huh. I wonder..."
"I've got my little voice in check"
"yeah, that little SOB made me not work out yesterday"
"I wonder who she is"
"I know better than any voice"
...and so on...

More and more, lately, I have walked through a space. Great space. Free space. Abundance. How it feels is like when you're swimming in a lake and you come to a cold spot. As soon as you realize the cold spot exists, you stop and feel it, then you inch your way around, trying to see how far the cold spot extends. Before you know it, you're out of the cold spot, and can't find where it was. And then, you feel around with your foot, trying to find the elusive cold spot again. I don't know about you, but I never seem to find it again. The same is true with that "space," which, to me, is living in the moment. Many don't even realize what living in the moment entails. What it is, is, coming upon life without ANY preconceived notion or biases, enjoying the ability to just "BE." Once we realize how great it is to BE, we feel around, the voice shows up and has us feel around to find the boundaries, and once that happens, the moment is over. Then we spend time trying to get back into the cold spot of that old moment, not realizing that THIS is now the moment. and this. and this. and this. The past was the moment when it happened, and the future never actually arrives. It is going on all the time. We are in it now. The past AND the future is this. right here. right now.

In Command

2005-12-08T06:10:00.000-08:00

Is HNT good ole plain fun, or have I, yet again, stretched my boundaries even further? I am a grown woman taking pictures of myself. Naked, I might add. Strategically placing a Nutcracker, so that you can see that I am, in fact, still commando.

I'll bet you didn't know that the commander of my commando has a foot fetish.

I hoped, and prayed the weather would be too dreadful for work today...it's icy here in the Dallas/Ft Worth metroplex...they're calling it a "winter blast". All I know is that I'm home today!

Alright...I have since revisited this post. WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!? I'll leave it up just to prove to myself that I can be fully self-expressed. Was my brain frozen this morning, or what? I can' t believe my ass is on the internet. If I knew how to photoshop I'd figure out some cool thing that all of you do, to do in this instance. You know, I've been in a boat where everyone agrees that we're gonna skinny dip, and then I'm the only one who strips and jumps in...that's a bit how I feel right now.

Some things

2005-12-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

I can never watch White Christmas enough.

I have to stay up a little while longer, because I stopped for a taco on the way home, and I swallowed a piece of the shell before it was small enough and it's still stuck in my throat. I hadn't planned on dieing tonight.

Males are horndogs, yes...but I do nothing to stop that...I just feed 'em horndog food (see below)

Commando is very liberating. Like Kurt said, makes me have a smile for no apparent reason. AND there's just something downright sexy about walking around with no panties on...

I made a promise that I would be off the computer for personal use by 10:30am every day-while at work. WTF?!
(that's bad grammar, but I don't care to fix it)

when you are worried, and you can't sleep...count your blessings instead of sheep

2005-12-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

So I had absolutely nothing to do Friday night.
I have a profile posted on a personals site, but don't pay anymore, so unless someone gives me their email address, or sees that I am online, and IMs me, I can't really communicate with any prospective Mr Wonderfuls.
I was bored, so I made myself visible and chatted with whoever messaged me.
Now I am no prude. AT ALL. Some guy IMed me and asked me if I liked to be (sic) ate out. Well, no doy, of course I do, but I just don't get what makes it OK to ask. I wasn't mad at the guy, and I asked him. He said he was just curious. He asked me a bunch more questions, and all the while I know he assumed I was gonna show up with something. As far as I know he wasn't writing a thesis or doing a doctoral dissertation...and I get that he would screw anyone, but why would you want someone who you would meet like that? Just as I thought, as soon as I answered a slew of questions to his liking, he asked if he could cum over. (in the dictionary it's not spelled that way, by the way)After a few minutes of wasted time, I said goodbye to cyberromeo.
As I type this, I answer my own question. "Self," I said, "not everyone is where you are. Be in his shoes, and you'll get it." heavy sigh. I don' t like the idea, actually. I'm not into phone sex or cyber anythingfreaky...not that I haven't done either of those things, I'm just not into it. I suppose that's because I'm not involved with anyone, and to do it with strangers, just perpetuates that. Of course it could be a little erotic mysterious...Friday night it was just irritating.

Some other dude invited me for sushi. Another lonely stranger. I knew that wouldn't come to fruition, so that's no big deal.

In my seminar yesterday, there was a visitor from San Diego. Nice looking guy. We looked at each other a few times. You know, the looks that last longer than just glances, but not long enough for anyone else to see--at the break, he didn't talk to me, I didn't approach him, and he left without either of us saying a word to each other.

At lunch, I was walking into Friday's...(I was weraring a Michigan State t-shirt)and a guy who looked like Mick Jagger may have about 25 years ago...except taller and better looking...asked me if I was a Spartan. Heck yeah!!! He went to State, too. Went onto graduate from Cooley..the law school in Lansing, and now he lives here. I always wanted to go to law school. I would have gone to Cooley, but when I graduated, but I didn't want to go to school anymore..of course, now I wish I had. There we were talking...he had no ring. and I said "ok, then, have a great day." and he said, "yeah, you too." I saw him get into a big black Hummer and drive away. (insert whatever you want about compensating and a big vehicle)

Then at about 430 this afternoon, my doorbell rings. It's my neighbor David. Remember how I told you about my broken garage door? Well, he came over and said he had an idea about how to fix it. I just, right this minute, realized that he must think about me other than when we see each other in our driveways, or passing on the street. creepy. He's nice and all, but for some reason I'm not really interested in talking with him. and when i do talk with him, it takes forever. So, we spent a couple hours in my garage trying to get the door back on track. For a minute, I thought I was gonna end up with a totally broken door, and an open garage. A little sticktoitiveness, duct tape and some channel locks, and we got the thing on track, and level...we've still got some more work to do but at least you can't open it from the outside. I also cannot pull my car into the garage...:0(
Anyway, neighbor DavidwithmousywifeAmy, always finds a way to kiss me on the lips. Somehow some way, he just plants one on me. This time, it was a partially open mouthed kiss. Like if I'd just hung in a split second longer, tongue would have surfaced. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT???
Im just shaking my head.

I know none of this means anything.
I still don't have a Christmas tree.

...and you'll fall asleep--counting your blessings~
(thank you Iriving Berlin and White Christmas)

P.S.
In honor of amarilloroad http://amarilloroad.blogspot.com/
I am and will continue to be commando for the duration of the week...maybe longer~

HNT #8

2005-11-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

I don't have a story to go here. I'm just outta the shower~

Here's the not so skinny...

2005-11-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

How on God's green earth did I gain 10 pounds in the past 6 weeks?
Oh, like I don't know.
Virtually no exercise. Horrible eating habits. ok ok AND some poor food choices. (SOME poor food choices? that does sound better than I eat like shit everyday, doesn't it?) I had a few dates with this guy, he told me one of the reasons we really aren't compatible is because he eats healthy and I don't. I couldn't believe it. I haven't eaten fast food of any sort in months. I had an apple for breakfast and tuna and rice crackers for a moring minimeal. I eat almonds as a snack! I drink water and not soda. I get the mixed veggies instead of the baked potato! I eat fish regularly. I don't even have crap around the house(that, of course, is because I cannot be trusted with crap around the house. plain and simple-I don't say no) of course I felt wounded by this guy who wishes I would just let my guard down and trust him...when the truth is, really--I don't eat healthy, and he's not trustworthy anyway. You like how I threw that extra part on the end? He lied to me about his age(a ten year difference lie), which isn't really relevant here. all I'm doing is taking the light off my poor eating habits by making him the bad guy. I'm quite skilled at doing that by the way.
I'm also a whiz at quitting. If the going gets too tough, or I don't feel like doing the work, I just don't call or I don't do the work I said I'd do. Not much integrity there, is there? The impact that has on me is that I feel stressed out. Like I know I SHOULD be doing, finishing, calling--and I'm not. I feel insufficient. I quit lots of things, you know...relationships of all kinds, jobs, projects, tasks...gobs of stuff. I say I'll do it, and then I don't. I say I want it, but when it comes time to take it, I don't. I'm not proud of it, mind you; I've realized that this keeps me alone and often times extremely lonely. And while it "victimizes" me, it leaves others feeling like they don't matter, like I don't give a shit about them. Like they aren't important. The really slimy part is that I do all that, and cast people so far away, that I am shielded when the pieces fall as they may. I don't see how badly I make people feel. The majority of the time I don't get that I REALLY hurt people. That I am the one causing pain for others...and even if I realize it, they are so far gone, I don't see their pain. I couldn't bear it if I saw the pain I inflicted. Of course, you do know that I spend my life helping others...or appearing to. No coincidence, I guess, that I am trying to make up for it in any way that I can. It's just a circle. One that I choose. For your information, I just chose to drink a Coke (not the healthy water alternative)
In my life...even recently, I have tasted living in the moment. It's so liberating. It's what I call "the air up there"...it's in the zone. It's everywhere I've ever wanted to be. non-judgemental. open. free. Ultimately what happens, though, is that when I end the moment, I spend my time trying to get back there--instead of allowing myself to be in the possibility of "in the moment" all the time. I am afraid to be vulnerable for fear that something might happen to hurt me, and yet, it is in that vulnerability that opportunity and possiblity lay.

My angel baby...

2005-11-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

Although I believe that Heaven exists where ever we make it, and I believe that there is Heaven here on Earth, this child was sent directly from the purest, most divine place...somewhere not of this Earth~
My weekend in California was short and sweet--just like this child. Aunty Daisy was in the hotseat the whole 5 days. He is alert and beautiful. Good natured and happy. His daddy was just like that, too. I still can't believe that my little brother is a Daddy. We went to a movie Friday, and talked about seeing another one after. My mom sneaks into other theatres, but my brother said he just couldn't do that. When I asked him why, his response was " I'm somebody's Dad, now"...this coming from a guy who used to guzzle Jack Daniels daily, and has pictures of Varga girls tatooed all over his bod...I'm so proud of him. He has a nice little house in California...nice things in his house, a wife who adores him, a job that he loves, and the most perfect angel baby ever born (that's just plain truth, that part) and really a wonderful life. I told the baby all about when we were kids...thinking about it now, though, I left out a bunch of good stories...I wonder what babies hear. I wonder what they think. I sat there staring at him, drinking in the feeling of just being with that baby. He smells just like new babies do...that smell...not Johnson's baby lotion, or even poopie diapers...that baby smell. I sat there talking to him, singing sometimes; touching his face and kissing his toes. If you rub this baby's forehead, and run your finger down his nose, his eyes close. (actually that happens with virtually every baby, but, I like to think I have the magic touch with him)
He loves me, I just know it. I wonder if it would be too much to send him a picture of his Aunty Daisy, just so he doesn't forget what I look like. His Blessing is at the begining of February, so I'll get to see him again, then...until then, I'll talk to him on the phone--maybe that sounds dorky. I cried a little when I said good-bye Saturday. I really want him to know me.
Sometimes I wish I lived out there near them, but then when I hear my sister-in-law talking about how they can't take the baby into Costco because she doesn't want him to contract RSV, I know that it's better that I'm here, where I don't have to keep my mouth shut as much. I can't judge. I've never been a first time parent. I wonder if I ever will be.

HNThanksgiving

2005-11-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

They say that the breastmeat is the healthiest for ya, but leg and thigh's what's in store for today...

attachment

2005-11-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

Today, one of my kids said to me "Miss! It looks like you've been gaining some weight..." and then she asked "is that mean to say?" The child and I love each other dearly. "No, " I said..."just sometimes the truth hurts, is all..." then I pretended like I weigh 400 pounds and waddled down the hall with her. Looks like Aunty Daisy is gonna have a lean Thanksgiving in California...cooing and changing diapers for the most spoiled doodle nephew on the planet AND running laps!
Before that exchange happened, I was gonna show you this necklace:

My grandmother gave it to me years ago. There's a bracelet to match. Grandmother A (Dad's mom) received it as a gift, from Grandmother B (Mom's mom) I have always loved this, but have never worn it. I love how it looks and feels around my neck today. I realized that I am attached to it, and other momentos that have been handed down from my grandparents. I have one grandmother still alive. I have a bond, even in death, with the ones gone elsewhere. I think I'd have that pit in my stomach if I lost this necklace, today. And yet, I know Grandmother is right here with me. This necklace isn't her, anymore than that sweet girl's words make me fat.

I never knew how attached to my garage door I was until it broke. This morning I realized that's just not something I'm willing to let go of. But Im gonna try anyway~

HNT #6

2005-11-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

WOW...I haven't posted in a week. hhhmmmmm...let's see...in that week, I met the most beautiful person to ever walk, had a date with my attorney, pencilled in a date to go skydiving, arranged a trip to Atlanta (Mel, I will be emailing you regarding this)agreed to take on a 6 month leadership training role, and had an honest to goodness talk with my Mom.

Still left, however, is the desire to somehow get more than 32 comments for any post, yet still present is the aversion to posting any sort of nipple, muff, or intercourse photo. What I WILL do, however, is surf like crazy today, trying to see all of those you posted....
This pic is NOT in any way meant to reflect what you may or may not think I've been giving you for the past week...please don't see it as a cold shoulder...it's actually very welcoming--can be useful for support, caressing, leaning, the occasional crying session, and has even been known to be the base of a drunken pyramid or 2...
HHNT

xo
d.

HNT #5

2005-11-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

To say that I put little thought into this week's HNT photo session, is an understatement.
My work of art this week is: my belly button

Head up

2005-11-04T14:14:00.000-08:00

You know, I really don't think my life is in the crapper.
It's just lately I've felt overwhelmed.
Like I'm in a box.
What helps is lifting my head up.
Maybe shutting off the computer.
Looking outside.
Thinking of possibilities
Not worrying.
Kurt's brother http://huckswharf.blogspot.com/ posted a pic and a thought that made me smile. Made me think of fall afternoons in Michigan...
and Feetman http://feetman78.blogspot.com/ remembered that I'm from Michigan. That was sweet. (I thought it went unnoticed) On those fall days, my mom, and brother and I would drive out to some state park and hang out. We'd gather wood and make a huge fire. Cook potatoes and ground beef in tinfoil and think it to be better than a Thanksgiving feast. the weather was cool. and the longer you stayed out, the more your fingers hurt from the cold. Nobody ever was cold enough to go home, though. I never wanted those Sunday afternoons to end.
Days like I"ve had lately, I've had a tough time remembering how good it felt just to BE.
Here are some pics that help me remember that.

The first is of my new nephew.

His Aunty Daisy sent him that Halloween get-up. I cried when I saw him in it. EVERYTHING is possible for him now. It's incredible how much you can love someone you have never even met.

I took this today. It's the street just across from work.

Makes me think I'm out in the country. Free.

No school is complete without a flagpole in the parking lot. I love the sound the flags make as they dance in today's wind. As a naturalized, yankeefied Texan, I consider the Texas flag that flies along with Old Glory, part of who I am, too.

These will help me stay out of my box...LOL
(please insert whatever funny things that occur about said box)

I know there's a country song forming about new babies in punkin suits, bumpy roads and painted trees, and dancing flags in the sunshiny fall wind...

Have a good weekend~
xo
d.

HNT #4

2005-11-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

When all else fails, post your boobs~

DAMMITALL ANYWAY

2005-11-02T09:03:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I had things in order...
I know life is good
but I have no boundaries
I might have to pay for more shit that I hadn't planned on
I was supposed to help Norma this morning
I feel like quitting
I know life is good
I'm tired of doing good life alone
For this moment, I have let all of this drain my power
I think I might not have one of the jobs I didn't want anyway anymore, but now I need the money more than ever, but it was nice to think that I had that time on my hands, but now I may have actually gotten the job back.
I'd like to appear like I have my shit together, but the truth is
I don't.
Right this minute I feel like crying.
and yet
if someone walked in the door needing support about all that stuff up there...I'd know just what to say.
When it comes to me saying it to myself...I know just what to say, but I don't
this too, shall pass.
Life is still good
I know it is

The chiropractor formerly known as my crush~

2005-11-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

I picked him up from the airport yesterday. We were supposed to go car shopping, but his flight was delayed because of weather. I am a masochist. I spent about 5 hours with this man. Just hanging out. He was on the phone and texting. I read. We talked about how he doesn't want a serious relationship because he'll be moving in the next year. He must have talked about 5 other females.

I swear I got up to leave several times. Everytime he grabbed my arm or my leg, pulling me back into the seat beside him, I sat my ass back down. I didn't feel like going home. I could have gone to the gym. (note to self: if this ever happens again, go work out) He's not over his last girlfriend and just went to Austin to see her. He does not want me. I know this. He is emotionally unavailable. I know this.

Now when I'm around him, I don't blush or ramble on like a dork.

He has replica light sabers. We played with those. I did not join the dark side, don't worry. ..but it was fun.

He has a great ass and is almost always silly. Except when I am having a serious conversation with him about anything other than us or his feelings about comittment. The honest truth is(is there any other truth?) that I don't want him like "that" anymore. I'm not quite to the part where I am fixing him up with friends of mine...but that will happen eventually, too. It was comfortable to just sit around his apartment with him. Until he honked my boob like Harpo Marx's horn. Even that was funny. Funny that my panties weren't in their usual state of perplexion when that territory is explored. Funny that he is just a sweet boy who I really don't like like "that" anymore. (I know I already said that...)
And even though I don't...
What I like is that I know he thought I looked hot the other night...and I did. I had on a great lipstick, cute outfit, and some FANTASTIC new shoes. I saw him looking at me. Even though he doesn't want me, for several minutes, the thought was crossing his mind. He said so. Somehow I declined. Why that matters? Who knows?!

The good thing about being friends with my former crush, is that he is a chiropractor and works on me for free. He uses appiled kinesiology to find your adjustment needs. where they originate and where to manipulate. He told me that my adrenals are jacked up, that I need more protein, and that an apple isn't enough for breakfast. I'm gonna do some research on my adrenals...they are two lima bean like glands on top of each kidney(this I already knew) maybe they hold the key to something. Like why my hair is so gray underneath all this color. Or why the rest of my body is about two sizes smaller than my stomach. Maybe my adrenals hold the key to the door that will open a whole new world for me. A world where money is abundant. A world where someone thinks about me all day long, and then whispers in my ear about it when he sees me.
That's a lot of pressure for two lima beans, I know.

I think this concludes my essay on the chiropractor formerly known as my crush. Although this is not entirely in active or passive voice, and it may not flow like a thesis paper should...and adrenal lima beans weren't even in the topic sentence...I'm good.

Life is good.

Hallowboring

2005-10-31T11:56:00.000-08:00

this is it for me in the Halloween department this year. In spite of the lack of costume, I am feeling very
trick or treat-ish. Maybe it's my vitamins. Whatever it is, it hardly seems fair to be so "in the spirit" with no outlet...one of my bosses blew in my ear this morning (trust me, it's much more harmless than it seems) he almost got the surprise of his life!
still several hours left of work today. I guess I could actually DO work, and get my mind off all this tricking and treating~
just 30 more seconds...if I could be anywhere with anyone doing anything...hhmmmmm

Ps
I've come back to read my own blog.
Don't think I don't know what a dork I am
I'm cracking up

HNT revisited

2005-10-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

The weather has been simply gorgeous here in the DFW metroplex the past couple days. I spent some time in the park just down the road, and plan to go there again today before dark. The above pic is me at the park...along with some out of focus strangers..I got in about 4.5 miles and even a little running! The sky was a beautiful shade of blue, and the sun shone on every single leaf on every single tree...people biking, running, blading, smiling, walking...you get the idea, right? ( I can't do anything fancy with these pics, dammit all)
Anyway...
I had time to think about HNT
this is what I learned from this week's HNT:

Lots of people take baths. I'm gonna take a bath. Soon.

I will light candles more often.

I don't necessarily want my picture taken in the shower, I do want to shower with someone else. regularly.

I never thought it was nice to make fun of other people's looks. It still isn't ok.

Feet are becoming sexier and sexier.

Although I don't need another human to complete me, or take naked sex pics together with...I wouldn't mind actually having naked sex.

There are a lot of really, really sad people out there.

People so love their kids, and neices and nephews. And dogs. And cats. And rats.

Pumpkins get a lot of fun, too...

I'm not the only one blogging while she should be working.

I don't have a Halloween costume.

People have an extremely hard time seeing the silver lining. They love to be miserable.

I don't love misery. But I do love.

HNT #3

2005-10-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Lips: Week 2

Here is my "other" tat...about ten or so years ago, I got one of those popular ankle tattoos. Vodka induced euphoria motivated me to get this one on the same night. I have since had other vodka induced euphoric nights, but no new ink...
(& for the record, there will be no Lips: Week 3)

Happy Birthday, baby

2005-10-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

There's something about a brand new baby that makes me feel incredible.
What a miracle, life...
certainly no coincidence~

Welcome to the world Gabriel Cash

Simply Breathtaking...

2005-10-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

I had some stuff I was gonna say about the weekend. A little bit to tell you about the booty call I didn't answer last night. I even thought about spewing on about what a beautiful day it is here where I am...instead I will leave you with this : http://polymorphouslyperverse.blogspot.com
Word combinations like Cliff Stern's do not exist randomly. They just do not. The combinations exist because in life those words actually are lips, hot breath and fingers through hair...they are tingling flesh- crimson, sticky and quivering.
I do not want to die until live THAT during this life on this Earth.

I like you. I really really like you

2005-10-22T02:23:00.000-07:00

This is a record for me, of late. 2 posts in the same day. I haven't had internet access at home (thankyou 1000 dollar phonebill/RonArlt--(I know, I really have to let that go)) so I haven't been free to just go looking around. I can blog a bit at work, but I can't go look at tits or people doing it (which, honestly, I didn't know was happening. I mean I know people do "it" but I guess this blonde is sinking in...I just didn't realize they were blogging about it. OK. I just never saw that part)

ANYWAY

There is some fantastic food for thought going on--aside from tits and ass etal. which goes on here: (http://sexinga.blogspot.com/, and my old friend http://youcannotmakethisup.blogspot.com/)

Raise your hand if you've noticed positive changes in yourself since you began blogging.
http://satoridesigns.blogspot.com/
This has really become a place where I can be me. Sometimes unstoppable...sometimes sad...sometimes nothing. I love to come here. I find myself talking about my friend in Atlanta, or this guy I know in California, or my friend who's gonna come visit me in her friend's Hybrid...what I'm getting at, is this is a safe place for me. I am comfortable with you here. I'm becoming more comfortable with me here...and I didn't realize that I was uncomfortable with me until I started feeling comfortable. hmm

Freaking tell me your Fears Friday
http://thoughtsandconfessions.blogspot.com/2005/10/freakin-tell-me-your-fears-friday.html
People have carved themselves open, exposing themselves...myself included. I had to stop at four fears just to allow it all to sink in. that, and I have to have something for next week...not that my list stops at four, by any means.

I can't even begin to say enough about HNT
http://obasso.blogspot.com
I love doing it. LOL
of course I love doing it, but I meant participating in HNT. I like seeing and being seen. I totally am looking forward to Thursdays, and I don't really even care if I never get to use a better camera than the one in my phone. It takes several attempts actually...I guess I could post the ones I erase, as sort of a blooper HNT for me. We'll see. (when I was a kid, and my mom said we'll see. that meant NO. I'm not using it the same way here.)

You know what else is fun? sending pics of my feet to this guy: http://feetman78.blogspot.com/
I didn't have any idea feet could be sooooooooo sexy!

I really look forward to everything my honest neighbor has to say, too...http://huckswharf.blogspot.com/. this guy has raised a great kiddo, and trimmed the strings and now she's studying in Spain. Can you imagine? SPAIN!!

and my blogworld would not be complete if I didn't mention my "oh I wish we could take a trip together girlfriends" http://abriefsecond.blogspot.com/ and http://seeyouinhellmel.blogspot.com/

I'm at my mom's this weekend. Driving down here (it's a little over a 3 hr tour(hello Gilligan)) I didn't think about blogging at all. Well, I did for a minute think of taking a picture of me driving with my feet and sending it to feetman78, but then the phone rang, and I forgot about that until now. Which leads me to what I was actually doing. Listening to a book on CD...called the Power of Now. I listened all the way through once before. It's time for me to hear the message again. Living in the past or for the future is useless.
Everything that happens is NOW.
When the past happened...it was NOW.
When the future occurs...it will be NOW.
May as well try a bit harder to live in the NOW and quit the past. quit waiting for the future to show up. create clearings for possibility. be a stand for myself.
Now I'm gonna bundle up, because my mom keeps this house an icebox, and settle in with a good book.
and when I wake up, it will be a whole new NOW.

On the Road Again...

2005-10-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

I just came into a small sum of money. I SHOULD use it to pay some bill, but I'm going to take a trip. I have a couple ideas about places I'd like to go, but I'd like some suggestions.
I've never been to Denver and got an invite, so I'm going there in December.
I have 3K to work with, and I want to travel someplace out of this country. I'm not afraid to go anywhere, so that's not an issue. I'll eat just about anything, so that's not a barrier, either. It will have to be this summer, though...I don't want to be rushed.
I love mountains and beaches, hot and cold...history and the "feeling" of a place are factors, as well~
Wddyathink???

HNT #2

2005-10-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

More pics from the cellphone~

I can see that I haven't quite gotten the hang of the whole layout technique...one of these days...

UGH...

2005-10-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

Whatever possessed me to eat 4 cups of rice and a half pound of hummus???
Oh woa is my belly (which I am not brave enought to post here)

What's up with that pink cheek, anyway? I just checked the mirror. No cheeks pink...

P.S.
Check out this game!
http://katehopeeden.blogspot.com

think

2005-10-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

Did thousands of people die at the hands of Saddam Hussein?
Of course.
Will killing him bring any one of them back to life?
I challenge you to show me one dead person incarnated.
His execution will be no different than the killings he brought forth to those people. That was a terrible tragedy, I will not begrudge you that. But, don't you see how this just perpetuates that?
War is not the answer.
Killing is not the answer.
The answer lies in something we all have: language.
Just picture what your life would be like if you didn't worry about what people thought. If you told the absolute truth every day. If you took occurrences for face value, and attached no stories. And then, if you turned around and communicated what you REALLY want. How you REALLY feel. What if everyone did that.

Imagine
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
Writen by: John Lennon© Bag productions inc.

... you know what happened to him...and all he was saying
was
give peace a chance.

Results

2005-10-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

So, as you know, I was flying high on Friday.
Somehow, some way, I've got to figure out a way to bottle that feeling I had. I'm not sad or depressed today, but that euphoria isn't blaring quite as strong.
Yesterday I told one of my crushes my secret.(which seemed ridiculously obvious, anyway) we did not make out. Surprisingly we didn't really even talk about it after I confessed. That's ok. I'm pretty sure he's still hung up on this chick who moved to Austin. We've talked a couple times since the "declaration" and everything's cool...so I'm not worried about it.

oh.
Friday I saw Two for the Money--with Al Pacino and a man who I would make out with in a heartbeat--Matthew McConehowdoyouspellit...holy crap he's beautiful. I thought the movie stunk, really...but the view was simply divine.
ok. enough about that.

At about 830 last night my doorbell rang. Nobody ever just drops by, so I had no idea who it could be. some ideas about who I didn't want it to be--I flipped on the outside light, but still really couldn't see. There were two people there--and one was a woman. I opened the door and they just stood there not saying anything. I asked if I could help them... they were looking for Ron. I saw the warrant. Of course he hasn't been at my house since July 19, but I was still a little scared -- I don't know why. I let them in and gave them the Reader's Digest version. She asked me to call him and get him to come over. I'm sitting here shaking my head...at me. at her. at Ron. I called him and left a message on his voicemail--something that thinking about it now, I know he won't believe. He lied to me for over 2 years, and all I did last night was perpetuate that. I called him this morning, and left another message apologizing. Since he reads this, I'm sure, he will know the rest of the story.
The deal is...I'm not gonna lie for anyone. I hope never again.
Not to myself, and not to anyone else. I feel shitty for lieing to Ron. Turnabout is not fair play. I actually felt like I was gonna puke.
I think your response will be for me not to worry about it. That bothers me, too. How is one lie better than another?

OH HAPPY DAY

2005-10-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm on cloud 9 today.

No reason.
Life is good.
cute outfit.
cuter shoes.
great attitude.
horny as all get out.
still smiling from HNT
sunny day. lovely
it's like I'm full, and overflowing.
great mood, endorphins, seratonin
dying to make out
driving with windows down, radio blasting
not worried about f-ing phone bill
pre-occupied with great day
glad there's no rain
deep breath--feeling oxygen in every one of my cells
wanting to give it to you
nothing
everything
did I mention the part about wanting to make out?
my house is a mess, there's empty water bottles and dirty laundry on the floor.
the bed's not made
there's no food in the fridge
I can't wait to run around barefoot
I feel like pinching people's butts...that almost always makes 'em smile

I'm trying to think of more things that will make you feel how I feel(which makes me think of Frampton--"doooo YOU
feeeel like I feel?"

I have 2 crushes, but they don't know it
cool breeze in my hair
shiny lip glossed lips
sassy
knowing happy trails I've left
excited about outside
full of myself.
In a nutshell, that's it.
I'm up to here -->][ with me!!!!
WOW

I'm gonna make out later. I just don't know with whom.
it's gonna be good, though, I can tell...

OMG...
Please go look at this beautiful angel...

http://captainstinkypants.blogspot.com/

THAT's what I was trying so hard to put into words
(well, that and the makeout thing)

HNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Left shoulder...

One of my friends likes feet...

I know some of you thought this day would never come!!!!!!!!!

These are from my phone, so they're not of Kodak quality...I'll work on that...Have a fanfreakingtastic HNT

OYSTER

2005-10-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here shaking my head.
Just exactly WHO or WHAT is in control here? I see me just sitting around letting life control me. No can do. Well, I can do. I just don't want to do anymore. I'm thinking of people who we all know about.

William Jefferson Clinton...dope smokin' draft dodger (not many with honed charisma, like that though)
Nelson Mandela...transformed in a prison cell in Africa, of all places
Mohandas Ghandi...unknown lawyer...little guy in a diaper
Oprah Winfrey...youngest of six children; born on a farm, in Kosciusko, MS. in 1954(just when things were shitty shitty shitty for blacks)
Helen Adams Keller...http://www.afb.org/section.asp?SectionID=1&TopicID=129

Sheesh...I could go on and on. Why are people always looking for an excuse NOT to be happy or successful. Why they CAN'T do it. Reasons why it WON'T work. How does that bring joy to anyone?
Don't tell me that's just life.
That's just bullshit.
I'll tell you why I haven't been able to break the habit...fear.
You got it.
Although I am not enamored with my current situation, it's familiar to me. I settle for it, because I know what's gonna happen virtually every day. In order for anything in my life to be different, I must be the one to cause that difference. In order to do that, I must create a clearing for it to occur. In that clearing goes nothing. The past stays where it belongs, and leaves my new clearing open for any possibility. I must face my fear of rejection, failure, and success, head on. I have found that when I'm afraid of something, the more I stay away from it, the scareder I get.
Who said "the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself?"
My life has been full of my past, and things that do not bring me joy. Because of that, I don't have room when opportunities show up that I do have an interest in. There seems to be no time. When in fact, all I have to do is make the time. It's all up to me. !Halleleuja!
Do you want to be President, Dusty? Or is it something about what you would do in that position that appeals to you? You have a voice. We all know that. I believe you can use it however you see fit. Would you REALLY tell your newborn that he or she cannot do or be anything they want? Your words are so powerful. From the time you begin understanding words, until the day you die, language shapes your very being. It does take a special person to do great things, I agree. Which of of us is not special?
In the immortal words of Suzana...CAN'T never did anything.
I'll tell you this right now...we CAN do anything. More specifically, I can do anything.
Damn, I'm excited!

PS...I'm not the only one who is thinking in this direction...today I got these off of http://jodesmind.blogspot.com/

" All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it" Quote by Samuel Butler 1912.

"Until he extends his circle of compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace". Quote by Albert Schweitzer.
She's thinkin dolphins, I'm thinkin humankind...

Realm of Possibility

2005-10-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

When you were born, ANYTHING was possible.
What changed?

You know...
ANYTHING is still possible~

TGIF

2005-10-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Here's hoping you have a fantastic weekend, full of college football, fun, and hot wild whatever your heart desires...

xoxo
d

HNT

2005-10-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

One of these days I'm gonna have my digital pics downloaded and have gained all knowledge necessary to post said pics. Until then, imagine if you will...this is for you feetman78...a side view of my right foot...cute pink pointy shoes, no hose, skin still a bit tan-leftover from summertime, with a view of my ankle and heel peeking out from beneath the cuff of blue jeans...

I'm livin' on the edge, again, today...underneath my clothes, I've chosen to wear nothing!
Nobody realizes that THAT'S what I'm smiling about

HUH

2005-10-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

You know, I know I have issues.
Everyone does.
What I wonder is: why does a statement from a stranger offend me?
I won't lose sleep over it, or even think about it next week.
Give yourself some credit, ain't nobody...you're somebody.
Total stranger. No identification. No blogpage. And here I am thinking about what is fueling my offense.
I will hang in there.
What else would I do? Quit? done that before...not gotten me desireable results.
What's happening to me is called LIFE.
I'm gonna have to recant. They aren't issues. They're just things that happen.
See, you don't have to be Mother Teresa to make an impact on someone.
Let this be a lesson to you--
You never know what effect you have on any one person at any given time.

Good, Bad, or Indifferent.

UPDATE:

2005-10-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the real deal--

I have not run off and joined a cult.

I love Ron, yes, but not in a way that allows for any sort of visitation.

I have been holding a grudge against my mom for the past 30 years, and it's been killing me.

I have created a new Realm for my life, which does not include mistakes from my past.

My internet is cut off because I still owe SBC 500 bucks.

I dropped my cell phone in the toilet, so now it doesn't work.

I never stopped loving you.

don't mess around with sue

2005-09-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

Break out the frying pan and pooper scooper!
Rita may be about to hit Galveston, but Suzana et al. are on their way up here!

I was an hour late for work this morning...running around cleaning toilets and changing sheets in anticipation of the arrival of said maternal figure.

Rain, Rain, Go AWAY

2005-09-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

Rita, Schmita.
My mom just called to inform me that she's back from Paris...oooh laa laa...AND that if the Hurricane hits Galveston, as scheduled, they are fucking evacuating to my fucking address! Somebody please hit me in the side of the head with a frying pan.

Fuck. I had a busy day. Meetings, more meetings, home visits, then night job, which I was purposely late to---and the boss of the whole conglomeration was there (NICE) She was less than impressed (and rightly so) I was glad she showed up so that she could see what a fucking zoo that place is (of no fault of my own, thank goodness) then she tried to tell me that I need to be a key holder, since I am the boss...sounds fair, except the program is held in a church, two nights a week...and they want me to have a key to this humongous place, and have the alarm code. As soon as someone steals the tithe safe, I'm goin downtown. No thanks!

this sounds so choppy---I am in charge of a English as a Second language teaching site (big hairy deal, I get to be in charge of 6 teachers) this is a new site, and nobody knows who's coming or going. You couldn't give two shits, I know. I really don't give 2 shits either, except for the fact that I just got a fucking thousand dollar phone bill, thanks to the fiasco this summer (although an offer has been made to share expenses, I have yet to see a payment) I still have homeowners, and property taxes to worry about, too. Which would have been all OK, had I not lent that money out. So I find myself working my proverbial ass off, for no actual benefit. Hopefully, I'll be dug out of this by Christmastime...actually, I hope I'm out by Thanksgiving, because that's when my nephew is due to enter the world, and I'd like to have some loot (notice the pirate reference) to take to him!

I called the best and worst ex-boyfriend, today. The one who dumped me because he thought I'd gain weight, and make it back to 220. Anyway, today is his birthday. Just called to wish him a happy day. What a fucker. I'm glad he was a dick though...makes it all the easier to keep not wanting him (and that positive reinforcement isn't even why I called him)

If my fucking mom moves in here for 2 weeks, I'm gonna start crapping on the living room floor. She did say, however, that if they relocate here, they're gonna need cable. THAT would be a good thing.

I made this post brown. Everything I talked about is shitty, I know.

Except for this: My little boss gave me a great compliment today, in front of the big boss. It was nice that he noticed the good job I've been doing. For that matter, he's great like that. Last week he put a note in my mailbox saying how how impressed he is with me. He loves the passion and caring interest that I impart to my students and their families...and that he knows this to be true, not only because he sees it, but because they tell him.

There's always good with shitty.

Feetman78, today I pick Julie. No Rita, PLEASE!!!
Oh, by the way...just to prove how spontaneous I can be...I stopped in at Foley's and picked up a new little outfit...I didn't have time to shop for shoes, but I do have some cute ones that go.(which isn't to say that I won't go out another time and make that purchase)
I know. I know. I was irresponsible, not spontaneous. No dinero, does not mean new outfit.
So sue me.

And while you're at it, please hop on one foot and chant like an Indian...NO RITA!!! (marga-ritas are allowed, however)

ARRRGGGHHHH....

2005-09-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot!!!!

Today was International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!!!!!!!
Well, blow me down and shiver me timbers...

"Steve, you're not a pirate"
(courtesy Dodgeball, 2005)

The Passion of the Blogger

2005-09-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

I have such strong feelings about God, or Whatever you chose to call this Entity. I really do try and see the points of others, as it makes for food for my brain. I am not closed minded enough to believe that I hold the only answers. I have my own roadmap, and am very comfortable following it. Sometimes my route changes, but in the end, all roads lead to God. I am not to the point, however, where athiest beliefs do not bother me. Is bother the right word? I think so. It's not so much that I do not feel comfort without a God/Allah/Buddah/He/She (because I will never be without)--it's that they seem so uncomfortable. So many seem so angry, and unwilling to have an intelligent conversation;open to no God, but closed to anything else. Anger energy wasted, causing dis ease and discomfort. Blaming this that and the other, when blame is totally unnecessary. I know this will be a test of patience for me, as I value your opinions and points of view. There is no right or wrong opinion, answer, or name. God does not condemn us for our beliefs; it was God who gave us free will with which to choose as we see fit.
It is no coincidence that God created you, me, Hitler, Buddah, Jesus, Mohammed Atta and Mother Theresa...also no secret that God loves us all the same. Knowledge of God's existance is What you see when you say I have a beautiful smile. God is What you can see when you say you see my soul through my eyes. And God is the Peace you feel when you're near me or in my home. If you have ever in your life felt Love, then you know God, too.

I stumbled upon a new blog tonight that made me think : http://freethoughtguy.blogspot.com
and of course one of my closest blog buddies: http://youcannotmakethisup.blogspot.com always has debateable commentary on influences thereof (mixed in with lots of boobies--which, by the way, God created, as well)

Go right through for MSU

2005-09-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Did you see my mighty Spartans almost blow it, and then come right through to beat the Irish??? I can take none of the credit, as I only got to watch the first half.
I had the ball to go to, and had to be formal clad by 6:00. The dress didn't get me laid, but it clearly could have. That's really good enough. I'll tell you something it did make me realize...when you are drunk off your ass, the only people who who really take you seriously, are others who are ass drunk. I had fun, don't get me wrong, but it was difficult to feel the least bit flattered by the best looking guy in the place, when he almost dumped me on the dancefloor. I am not judging him, just making an observation that I wish I'd have paid closer attention to in the past. I did see it, but never quite in this light.
The ball was for the Dallas Mayor's Commision for the furthering employment of disabled people. I had no idea there was such a commission. Several people with various disabilities, received scholarships, Mary Kay Ashe was honored posthumously for the way she treated her special employees and for the opportunities she made possible for them, and other people with disabilities were honored for their accomplishments and groundbreaking advances in their communities.
My role at this event, was to be a "twinkle". I paraded around with cuff-links designed especially for this evening...selling raffle tickets for the cuff-links and for several fund-raising packages. It was fun. Fancy dress, lobster and prime-rib, adn a never ending wine cask. The dress part, as you may have guessed, was my favorite part. I love getting all dolled up.
anyway...
The honorable mayor Laura Miller did not attend. However, the local newsguy Mike (Snyder I think is his last name) was there with his VERY young wife. I'm only commenting on it because I am not married, and pay careful attention to those who are. when I see people with a 30 year age difference I just wonder. He's 50 somthing. Is the sex THAT good? She's 20 somthing, does she think he's hot? That's a huge sparkly rock there on her finger...I wonder if he wanted to give her that gleaming trinket, or if she demanded it. Were her parents happy that she married someone older than them? Who are their friends? People her age, or the guys that he works with at the news station? How did they meet? How long did they date? Is she his trophy, or does he really get weak in the knees when he sees her? Do his bifocals make her giggle? Is she worried that they won't grow old together? does he worry that she'll run off with a younger man? Or are they kindred spirits, whose paths have crossed again--just happy to warm in the mutual glow?
By the way...I know this was a bit deceiving by the title...so I will close by saying: I love my Michigan State Spartans, and am glad to see a hash mark in the win column...no matter how it ended up there.

CRAZY

2005-09-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

I've spent some time at Kurt booth's (sorry, but I still haven't learned how to link to anyplace else...) or maybe I have. http://huckswharf.blogspot.com/ blog today. Made me think. and giggle.
He asked about the craziest thing you've ever done. I read the entry before...but there was more today.
He's jumped out of an airplane.
dude!
I would sooooooooo love to jump out of an airplane. I don't happen to think that's crazy at all. Thinking about it, I don't actually know what constitutes crazy, in my mind.

Here are some of the things I've done in my life that I know other people think are crazy:

(Remembering these things have kept me entertained here, for the better part of an hour!)

Picked up a hitch hiker
helped strangers
had sex on the 50 yard line of a high school football field (as an adult)
went to a non-english speaking country by myself. twice. no electricity or running water
took in a 20 year old black kid
driven when I'd had too much to drink
got 2 tattooes (is that how you spell that? it doesn't look right)
worked on an oil pipeline
even though we just met that day, I had sex with this guy named Gino...only after I let him shave me
wore short skirts to work (I'm a school teacher)
still do stuff on dares
pole danced...even though I have no actual experience in that department
canopy jumped
got 5 piercings in one ear
let first dates pick me up at my house
joined and still participate in Kiwanis (which is an organization made up mostly of retired old men)
and of course, the obligatory: been with another woman
the list just goes on...
I, personally don't think any of those things are crazy.
Although I do frequent my backyard naked, I have never run up and down the street that way.
and even though I'm still polishing off that cake batter from last night, I don't think it's "normal"...but not exactly crazy, either.

(Please note: I purposely excluded the gallons of alcoholic concoctions guzzled, pounds of smoked reefer, and hundreds of speckled speed capsules swallowed... and speaking of swallowing!...)

I'll tell you something else other people think is crazy...I pray for Dubya and Bin Laden honestly, and wholeheartedly...and I think I'm still a card carryin Democrat.
Oh, and don't forget, I forgave Ron for all that shit he pulled...nobody I know thinks that's not crazy.
I believe my Grandfather came to my room after he'd been dead 6 months
I don't save enough for my retirement---that's probably crazy
I've never done it with a farm animal...now THAT would be crazy!
whew!
did it.
thought of a crazy thing. what's crazy for me, though, may not be crazy for you...who am I to judge?
I'll tell ya what, I wouldn't mind it if someone were crazy for me...ONLY if I could be crazy for them at the same time

Tomorrow's hump day.
Then Half Nekid Thursday(which I always forget about)
Then Friday (I have a date, by the way)
Saturday I am working some Mayor's ball---so I get to wear my only formal
no rest till Sunday

OK
I'm all crazied out

PS
I also keep a nine millimeter close to me as I sleep.
I am THIS CLOSE to just quitting my job today, and finding another one where I can just travel the world and talk to hundreds of people at one time. Either that or find a way to go to Africa. Or New Orleans.
Sometimes I read my posted blogs like 14 times.
I care. I mean really care, about everyone I know. Whether I like em or not.
I've contemplated suicide, homicide, and bank robbery.

There.
see what a little sleep can do for crazy?!!

maybe a LITTLE kooky??

2005-09-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

OK
I can't tell if this is good or bad, but I"ve been thinking about sex lately...
which I haven't done since July
I'm trying to keep my weight down, except for tonight
I was weak.
I made a cake mix.
Ate half the batter
don't wanna throw the rest away but don't have a pan small enough to cook what's left
so I put it in the fridge for another time
that was my treat after my hearty dinner of tuna on rice crackers
with avocado and homegrown basil as my side salad thingy.
shit, my belly hurts!
Oh, and everytime I see some paper blowing, or something like that out of the corner of my eye...
I think it's a cat

whirlwind

2005-09-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

I've been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

I've been working 3 jobs and haven't even paid my stupid bills yet, and it's the NINTH! (none of them are late, but get paid the 1st of every month) You'd think that with one full time job and two part timers, I'd be rollin. NOt so. I am a terrrible manager of $$. I can pay what I owe and everything, I can even do stuff--but I just got a $1000 dollar phone bill from the fiasco this summer, so I've got THAT goin for me. I give it away. Money, I mean. Well, I give THAT away too, but not so much, anymore...that's a whole other blog entry--anyway.
I own a house and a car. Nothing fancy. But nice, yes. I buy shoes. and lately a few new clothing items, (I know I shouldn't boast) but with some recent weight loss, I am hotter than ever! (well, maybe not hotter than college--but that was the 80's, we were all hot then) I have a small savings account and a modest retirement thingy in place...and I really believe that hoarding $$ takes up space where new money can go; which translates into, whatever/whoever needs it, gets it. Sometimes I give money to the guy with the sign on the side of the road, sometimes I give it to a kid at school who asks for it, sometimes I treat a friend to a sushi dinner. Then there was the root canal...who plans for those??? I always manage to make it...one way or another. There is this 4-day leadership seminar that I really wanted to go to, but couldn't swing until NOvember ...somehow I am going this month.
I just don't have a big reserve. I couldn't go to Vegas this weekend if I wanted to...well....I guess I COULD--but you know what I mean, don't you?
And all this, and I haven't really even done much for Katrina relief. That weighs heavily on my mind, too. (I'm not a ditz, I swear--but did you notice the font change? I inadvertently hit some key and now we have this)
I don't think that worrying is productive. I know I've got to do something. I'm thinking this class will give me an idea about a different more profitable path. as Cindy Lauper says..."money changes everything"...I don't know about all that.
Damn, I'm rambling.
I was bawling my head off this morning.
After my Kiwanis meeting(which, next week ends my yearlong tenure as Club President) I was on my way to work. Almost there. And then, there she was. The cutest kitten. all black with white little feet. trotting out into the road. Busy street. Saw her in my rear view window. Rolling, but back on her feet. not even six months old. Zooming through my mind that I am so allergic to cats now that Macy is gone (had her for 14 years) but I'll go get this kitty and take her home with me today. I couldn't find a turn around place. there was so much damned traffic. I found a street and pulled off. It was a long way back up to where she was. I hope she didn't run off. How would I find her? Then I saw her. little limp baby kitty in the road. (Of course I'm crying right now.) I went out there and scooped her up. Not flattened. but clearly dead. shoulders heaving. tears streaming down. I laid her on the median, then decided I couldn't just leave her there. so I scooped her back up again and carried her back to my car. I drove with her in one hand. nobody to hear me sobbing over the radio. I couldn't leave her in the car all day. my friend malinda, the school nurse, had a shoebox for some reason, so I lined it with papertowels. I couldn't leave her in the car all day. don't get grossed out. even if you do. she's been here in the box, in the book case behind my desk all morning. In an hour it'll be lunch time, I guess I'll go home and bury her. Nobody knows she's here, but me, you and Malinda.
I wonder what gift we had for each other; little kitty and I.
I wonder why I was crying so hard.
I'm ok now. Not really even sad. Just wondering.
's Friday. I've got all weekend to figure it out.
missed you...

You think I'm a kook, don't you?

to blog or not to blog

2005-09-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

sorry, I've been remiss...I just haven't made blog time lately. I can't read many of these from work, due to content, and I have actually been keeping quite busy...I don't love you any less--and I HAVE been missing you.
I'll be at my Mom's this weekend...probably lots of computer time~
See ya soon!

xo
d.

Now I have something to say

2005-08-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

If you are driving a car with TX

plates F18 KWT,

stay the fuck away from me.

out of your misery

2005-08-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have nothing noble, monumentous, or otherwise to blab about at this particular juncture...BUT I wanted to get away from that creepy dog entry.
I am taking off work tomorrow to do nothing but lay by the pool. My birthday present to myself...I may even go balls out and get a pedicure.
I know.
I do live on the edge.

pooch

2005-08-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

please go to http://www.samugliestdog.com/

don't let them eat cake

2005-08-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't even have any cake on my birthday...what I did have, however, was a chocolate mousse martini. I don't care how it sounds to you, it was simply fantastic for me. the glass was rimmed with the yummiest mousse, and filled with a heavenly knock you on your ass potion. Some old guy (certifiably old...as he was 70 something) bought me a little split of French champagne...Jack was his name. (lost his wife 4 years ago...) I thanked him there, but I'll thank him here, too...thank you Jack.

Out of the blue my friend Maribeth called to wish me a happy day. I didn't even know she knew. Worked out perfectly, as I didn't have one blessed thing planned for last night. My choice for dinner--it goes without saying-- we had raw fish. The name of the restaurant is Piranha (killer sushi) cute, huh?
I love going to that place...they know me by name; it's kinda funny....so Maribeth and I sat there drinking wine and splattering wasabi laden soy sauce all over the place...laughing, taking pictures, and even flirting with the sushi chef guys.
Then off to the bar next door for martinis...
is this boring to you?
sorry.
There's no pink ink that's very readable.
anyway...my mom came through with the best birthday card of all time (for me anyway)
there's a girl sitting in front of a little birthday cupcake with a candle in it....and it says :
All I want is peace on earth
and cute shoes.
dude, that fits me to a T.
I know it's retarded, but I went out and bought a cool frame, and hung the damned thing on my wall.
...speaking of cute shoes, my new blogfriend feetman78
has inspired me to start photographing my cute shoes. I'm not to where I know how to download off of my digital camera...but I'm workin on it (shit I can't even link people to other blogs)
As I proclaimed to Rat, yesterday, this is the Year of Daisy. (like the Chinese calendar, but different)
Long live Daisy.
Today is the first day.
Driving to work this morning, I had a really good feeling...like when you meet someone new and you flirt like crazy feeling...can't wait for him to call feeling...surprise text message feeling...first kiss feeling...you follow? Although I did spend some quality time with me this morning, I don't think that's what it is. Maybe it's because I'm meeting ME for the first time. and I like me. and I can't wait to be with me. I thought I knew myself, but I guess I really don't. and that's what this excited feeling is all about...

Here's hoping you have a great day.
love ya...and I really do mean it
No, I'm not still drunk on chocolate martinis...

xo
d.

38 and holding...

2005-08-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

my first birthday call this morning was from the only one I refer to as my ex. it wasn't like this for the 7 years we were together-it kinda choked me up...not enough to accept free birthday sex from him, but it sure was sweet. when I told him he was my first call, he told me that that's how it should be. nothing to say to that, as we both know we'll never be together again--but it was sweeter than cake.

full moon mojo

2005-08-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

I went to see the Wedding Crashers again last night...it's hilarious!. Went with my friend Malinda, and her boyfriend...had Vietnamese for dinner...movie at the movie tavern, and then some music at Stumpy's blues bar. I was wearing a skirt so short, that I couldn't sit properly on the bar stool. So much so, that one time, when I got up to go dance, my skirt stayed seated...which means that it was still folded, while I was upright--causing a full on view of panties...(my mother would be happy because I was both wearing underware and they were clean) Of course I fit right in with the crowd, sporting my 3 inch high flip flops . The blues bar scene is quite diverse, I must say. A real people watching adventure.
Rio is Malinda's boyfriend...he took turns dancing with us. He spun her ass all over the dancefloor...while I was resigned to just dancing "freestyle" with him.
I had no idea we'd have so much fun~ that doesn't sound all that colorful, but it really was a blast.

The moon was out in full force, too. Was beautiful, like they write about in songs.
Everyone was extremely nice to us...who knows why, but I'm not lookin' a gift moon in the mouth...

and then this afternoon, I went to the garage to get a coke out of the fridge (can't keep sodas inside...too tempting) and instead of turning the light on, I hit the button right under it...the one that opens the garage door.
I was naked.
Of course it takes a few seconds for the door to open, so nobody saw...but I was laughing so hard, I could hardly get back into the house~
It's a good life.
think I'll shower up and try to find something to do